Finding
by wbelisabeth
Summary: Things don't just disappear. Inanimate objects. People. Feelings. Pink Elephants. Nothing truly disappears. Not when you want it to.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Finding

Author: wbelisabeth

Rating: PG-13.

Summary: Things don't just disappear. Inanimate objects. People. Feelings. Pink Elephants. Nothing truly disappears. Not when you want it to.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted materials referenced in this fic. I am not making any money out of this it's just for fun. References to any real people, places events etc... are done so in a fictional context only.

AN - Hi! I've been writing a new fic for a couple of days/ weeks. Thought I'd post the first chapter. Just a note though, while the main characters are Callie and Arizona, it's not necessarily them _together. _Before I am lynched... in my defense I ship Calzona, so maybe I might find a happy ending somewhere. Maybe. **_MAYBE._** But this story is not necessarily about them as a couple...ok so maybe it is :)

I do not watch PP so I don't know much about Addison except what I learnt on GA, so therefore this cannot be classed as a crossover.

This fic is going to be EPIC. Now I do not mean epic as in 'awesome' (I do hope it will be good though!), I mean EPIC as is the Illiad type epic (without the whole poetry thing - I am not Homer and Grey's does not warrant a new Shakespeare.) It's a big idea. And to do it right will take time. And patience.

Ok, real _**WARNING:**_ this does deal with some _**possible spoilers**_ regarding the rest of the season, though admittedly the majority of the groundwork was down for this before I saw the 'possible' spoilers. Basically it's pure speculation for the first chapter and then veers off to where creative license reigns supreme.

This fic: Dark. At least for the first chapter. It gets lighter and lighter. You'll see! Well, hopefully you'll read it.

* * *

"So we are going to talk about it?"

"Yeah, we are going to talk about it."

Arizona's head drops immediately. She gets off the bed and heads back into the bathroom. She comes out fully dressed and Callie stares at her questioningly.

"Why are you dressed?"

"Because at the end of this conversation I will be leaving." She looks to the side and a tear falls down her cheek.

"We are talking about it, we aren't fighting about it." The blonde moves back over to the bed, this time closer to the headboard. She sits and faces Callie.

"The fact is Calliope, that you want children. And you are going to be a great mother some day. Amazing. You are going to love him or her or them, so much. But I can't be with you for that. I don't want children."

"I love you?"

"And I love you. But this is not something that we can work through, it's something you seem to passionately want and it's something that I passionately don't want. Think about it. If we have kids, I'll resent you for it and if we don't have kids you'll resent me for it… There is no middle ground. There is no compromise."

Callie nodded in agreement. Tears stared falling. Arizona leaned in and wiped the tear from her face. She leaned in and kissed the brunette in a short chaste kiss. When she pulled back their eyes met in mutual understanding and sadness. The blonde tried to smile, but failed. She bit her lip.

"This sucks, I know, but one day you'll find someone who wants the same thing as you. Really."

"Thank you." She sighs defeated. "For kissing a stranger in a bathroom. For helping me be amazing, with you. Like you."

"I'm going to go."

"Stay? For tonight?"

"We have to let go. I know if I don't leave now… it's just going to be harder."

"I know. You're perfection. You're the best thing to have ever happened to me and after you leave here, you won't be."

"I, I think we should... not be around each other for a while… to maybe lessen the… hurt? Maybe avoid each other for a bit. We seem kind of good at it." Arizona gulped and forced a smile. She wiped her cheeks. Both women still didn't move. They just sat, tears falling, looking at each others pained expressions. Wishing that they could take the others pain away. Callie finally collected her thoughts. Arizona was right. Some distance was required. They could remain professional, one day they might be able to function as friends, but the next few weeks were not going to be fun-filled.

"I think that's a good idea. I think… I'm going to go see Addison in LA. I need… I can't be here and see you and not… I need time."

Arizona nodded. The peds surgeon leaned forward and kissed Callie on the cheek with an almost inaudible 'I love you' whispered into her ear.

"I'll come by in a couple of days to get my stuff… when you are gone."

With that she picked up her purse and walked out of the apartment.

* * *

Callie remained in her bed curled up in a ball. Crying. She had felt heartbreak before. She had felt betrayed and abandoned. But this was entirely different. All she could feel was hopeless.

Knock Knock.

She sat up. Could that be? Could Arizona have reconsidered? Who else could it be? She ran to the door and opened it as quick as she could. Mark was standing in front of her. She cursed herself for being so foolish. Arizona is not coming back. She let yet another tear leave her eye. She looked at Mark and his face was of panic. Sheer panic.

"Mark – what's wrong."

"Cal, Sloan is – and the baby is coming – here – I need Arizona."

"She's not here." Callie replied automatically. Without thinking, she went and got her coat. "How far apart are the contractions?"

"Umm… I don't - I'm not sure - I."

"It's ok Mark, I'll go and get a wheelchair and we'll get Sloan to the hospital. Ok? Now go back in there and be with your daughter. Tell her everything will be alright. I'll get help."

"Call Arizona. She's"

"She's a pediatric surgeon, not an Obstetrician ok? She's going to be as much help as I am. Now your daughter is alone, so go sit with her."

"Teddy's with her, I'll come get the wheelchair."

"Mark David Sloan! She is your daughter and she is probably scared out of her mind and you leave her with a total stranger? She came from goodness knows where for you to help, so you are going to go help. Understood?"

Mark nodded and headed back to his apartment, while Callie ran to the hospital and brought back a wheelchair.

Six hours passed and Baby Riley was born.

* * *

"I don't want to hold him." Sloan responds as Mark tries to hand over the baby. He pulls the baby back up to his chest awkwardly. He looks down at the baby. His very own eyes staring back at him. A swell of pride stirs in him. This little boy's life flash before his eyes. The little league games, learning to drive, his first date. Mark cringed at the thought. He felt a sudden urge to teach, to show him how to be a gentleman, to show the boy how to not to make him a great-grandfather before he was 60.

"Sloan, I know it's not the best time, but what are you going to do?"

"I – I can't have him. I can't be my mom. I can't. I want you to look after him. You and the other doctor. You can give him a life that I can't. My mom may have done it without her family, but I can't." Mark softens and takes another look at him.

"Hold him. Just hold him." Again he moves the baby, awkwardly trying to pass him over. "Look at him. Look at how beautiful he is."

"But I have no job, no money, nothing. I have barely finished school."

"You have money, you have my money. And you can stay with me as long as you want. You and him. You won't be alone. I will help however I can. I'll back you up. I'll pay for childcare if you want to go to College. Don't let this be the biggest regret of your life be because of money, I have money. I may not have supported you and your mom before, but I can now. Let me help you now."

"You think that I could look after him?" She looked up into his eyes, unsure and vulnerable.

"I think you are his mother, and I think that if you want to, you can."

Sloan for the first time let herself think of the future with this baby. With _her_ son. Mark offered the boy over to her and this time she accepted him. She allowed herself to take in his features.

"I think, I want to look after him. If you help. I'll definitely need help."

"I can do that. I can help you with him." He smiles at her.

"I, I think I know what his name should be." She says caressing the baby's face. "Lincoln. Lincoln Samuel Riley."

"Lincoln huh?" He leans closer to the baby. Smiling.

Callie loiters at the door, taking in the sight of Mark Sloan cooing over a baby. She smiled slightly but the dull ache returned to her chest. 'Keep breathing. One breath at a time Callie.' She thought. She stepped into the room and cleared her throat. Both occupants looked up.

"Congratulations!" She smiled meekly.

"You are in here early?" Mark looks at his watch and in surprise to see the time. 6:30am. "You get paged or something?"

"I couldn't sleep so I came to see the joy." She cringed at her words. 'God! Does EVERYTHING have to remind me of Arizona?' She thought.

"Arizona not there to keep you warm?" Mark regretted the words as soon as he saw the look on her face. Her almost non-existent smile change to that of a frown. She recovered quickly, much to her credit.

"I just wanted to see you before I leave for California."

"You're going to see Addie?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to work on my tan." She avoided his eyes and looked over at the baby. "I thought I would drop by and see the little heart-breaker, before I headed off." With a look at Sloan and Lincoln he walked over to Callie and in a lowered voice he asked.

"What happened Cal?"

"Nothing."

"Did she do something?"

"No."

"Then why did your face drop just then?"

"Because she is the most beautiful woman on this planet. She smiles and lights up my world. She is still the best thing to happen to me, even if we did break up last night. And I need for her not to be the centre of my universe. And I need her not to be, not be any of that."

"Why?"

"She works with newborns all day Mark, why would she want to be surrounded by them in her personal life too?" A smile at the irony crossed her face. She should have guessed from the opening comments, the very beginnings of their relationship. "The kid thing. Turns out it's more of a problem than I thought. So I am driving to Addison's house and I am going to drink cocktails and sunbathe all day. For two weeks."

"When do you leave?"

"In about 4 minutes. What's happening with Sloan?"

"She's staying here. She's going to look after the baby. I'm going to help a little." He smiles looking over at his family. Content to watch his daughter and grandchild – relieved that she was letting him into her and her son's life.

"That's great news. I'm happy for you." She sounded a little disappointed.

"You'll have one of your own. You will."

She was surprised that her saw through her so easily.

"As a kid, I dreamt of marrying a man and staying home raising children. As I got older I dreamt of being a surgeon and juggling motherhood, then when George came along I though 'this is it – this is my shot'. When Erica came along, I re-evaluated. I still wanted kids, I just wanted them with a women. Then Arizona heely'ed her way into my life. I saw a little boy with her hair, eyes and dimples sprouting the words super and awesome. I've never been one to imagine my children that vividly, but with Arizona, I didn't have imagine, he just kind of popped into my head. I'm 32, I know it's not _that_ old for kids, I know that much older women have kids all the time. I'm concerned... What if I never find the right someone to have them with?"

"Well what about you and I go halves on a kid? Say, if you aren't committed to someone in a couple of years, and I'm not… We'd be ok parents."

"Mark that is ridiculous. I love you, I do. You are the best friend I have ever had, but we couldn't have that type of relationship. We'd kill eachother." She smiled at the thought of them sharing parenthood together. They both knew that sort of arrangement would be a disaster. "I want that." She looks over at Sloan who is staring in awe at her son. She was taking in every detail, every birthmark, every freckle, and every blemish of the tiny wrinkly baby. Mark looked at Sloan and then at Callie.

"You'll find the right person and the right time and you'll have them. Go have fun and enjoy the sun. Relax. Ok?"

The thought of 'If you wait for the right time, you'll never have them' hit her like a slap in the face. She plastered the most sincere smile on her face that she could conjure up and then nodded. Hugging Mark she whispered a 'Congratulations Grandpa' before quickly exiting.

* * *

She drove for hours. She had planned to have breaks every 2 hours, but once on the road, all her plans flew out the window. She had stopped once, just out of Salem, for gas and bought a chocolate bar but from then she just kept going. What had originally been planned 2 hour intervals soon turned to 4 hours finally turning into 6 hours. She realized that it was now 5pm and she was hungry and really tired. The yawning had become a real problem in the last 20 minutes, tipping her off that she really did need to pull over at the next stop. She saw an off-the-road diner advertised on a dodgy beaten up sign and followed the arrow. Once there she pulled up. She didn't stay long. Just enough to eat, drink, fill her car up and stop yawning. The yawning came back just before Sacramento and Callie decided that she'd had enough driving for the day. 14 hours was more than enough. Her doctor's brain had been telling her that 'fatigue kills' all day, the exhaustion had finally won over.

She pulled into a hotel and asked for the room with the biggest bath they had. The bath was soon filled up with water and once full it was occupied until the water turned cold. She got out, tired and defeated. The next thing to do was to call Addison to give her an update on her whereabouts, while trying not to burst into tears. She fell back onto the bed, once Addison had hung up, and let it all out. She climbed under the covers and curled up into the fetal position. The last thing that her mind let her see was the blonde little boy with dimples that she would never have.

* * *

People always told her 'things would look better in the morning'. They don't. Not after George. Not after Erica. Therefore she had already known that there would be no way in hell things would look better in the morning after Arizona. It had been the first night she'd been able to sleep at all. It wasn't comforting. It was lonely. She was in a king size bed – the biggest bed she'd seen in her life and it made her feel empty and alone lying in it. So by 5am, she'd had enough tossing and turning and got up, had a shower and got back on the road. By 2pm she arrived on Addison's doorstep, much the same as she'd arrived at the diner the day before. Really tired and hungry.

"You look like crap."

"Thanks."

It took all of a second for Addison to realize that Callie needed a hug and it took all of a second for Callie to break down.

"Shhhh… It's going to be ok."

"Don't lie."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN** – This is clearly not going to be the best fic I have ever written. It's only slightly coherent (after 3 days spent reviewing it! Argh!), but once I've introduced all the complications (Yes, there will be more complications.) it should start to flow a little better. A few people reviewed (thanks!) with different ideas… the thing is, is that this will be a long story and it may take some time for the lightness to come back in… i.e. Calzona. So please do bear with it because there is light at the end of the tunnel.

**Warning:** This _involves speculation_ about an upcoming ep of greys... the speculation is mostly over at LiveJournal at the Callie_Arizona community. I think sometimes we let our fangirl imaginations run a little too wild, but it was a cool idea and I thought there was a couple of small stories that could be played out while developing the idea.

This chapter jumps around a lot. It goes from Arizona's POV the day after the break-up and then to a third person narrative on the same day. The timeline then jumps back to Callie and her California-ness... from there it will continue in linear format.

* * *

Arizona POV

(Day immediately following break-up)

I love her and I thought she was it for me.

It. Like, the one. But, she wants kids. And I don't. She wants kids. Why would you want kids? Really? Why? I work with kids everyday and I can deal with them, but going home to a child. Total other story. How draining it would be.

First you pay god knows how much to get a parasite inserted into your uterus. You get handed a photo of peanut and are told to get excited about it and to love it. One of you carry it while it gives you nausea, indigestion and kicks your internal organs. Then they hand you the screaming bundle of 'joy' and it's obviously not happy to be out in the world and you have no idea what to do with it. Then you have to feed it and be awake all hours of the night ensuring it's comfortable. Once that stage is over you then have to teach it how to talk, how to walk and how to poop in the right spot. Then they start to run, in the house, in the yard, on the road. They grow up enough to start lying to you and testing your patience. When you thought it couldn't get any worse they start to completely rebel. They swear at you, they drink and take drugs and sleep with people they shouldn't, all the while you are trying to guide and mould them to be good people.

Rationally. Why would you put yourself through that? REALLY?

Then it's not just them you have to worry about, it's the relationship you have with the other parent. You watch it take a nose dive for 18 years while you fight over names, who stays home, what school to send them to, what sports they are to play, how to discipline and over what and it just goes on and on and spirals out of control, only to find that when you're done and the kid is out of your hair there is this person who looks a lot like someone you once knew.

Again, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

I love Calliope. I do. But why would I stick around to watch all of that happen to us? To watch our life be determined by someone else, a tiny someone else?Nope. Not me.

* * *

Mark had spent most of the day with his daughter and grandson. He was in a state of euphoria. Everything seemed right in the world. He would finally have a chance to make up for the absent father he had been. He was walking talk.

He strolled over to the table where Arizona was sitting by herself. Looking down to the salad and not lifting her head for anything. He took a seat across from her.

"I heard about you and Callie. I'm sorry."

"She told you already?"

"We were so busy she didn't tell me until she left this morning. She told me why… I'm sorry Arizona." He hadn't really listened to himself or the words that he was speaking and how they could be taken. When Arizona's face falls, he immediately reaches out to rub her arm.

"Don't." She deflected his touch, disgusted. "Did you even think… did either of you think that I even existed, or was it just like old times?" Still completely unaware that she was assuming that they had slept together, Mark continued on the conversation unknowingly digging Callie and him deeper.

"Well we are friends and we help each other out when we can. In all the chaos… I asked about you a couple of times, but Callie insisted that we left you out it, so we did. But this morning, it was great. When she agreed to stay with me… It was sort of an afterglow moment - when everything just clicks you know?"

Horrified and hurt, she stands, but before she leaves she shoots him a glare.

"Don't hurt her."

She walks off quickly, leaving a very confused Mark watching her leave.

* * *

(Back to Callie – Skip forward to the morning _after_ arriving in LA.)

Callie woke up to the sound of waves crashing, a familiar sound from her childhood. Her eyes were heavy and sore from crying, but the oceans music was her saving grace. From the time she could walk she had lived for the ocean, often sneaking out of the house, building a campfire on the shore and sleeping under the stars. It was her haven. When she had called Addison 3 minutes after Arizona had left, an offer of the beach was something she immediately jumped at. Admittedly she had rung Addison in hopes of an invitation, but she was still happy to be invited.

Once there, after her meltdown, she and Addison had talked. Callie talked about her desire to have children and Addison voiced her regret of not being able to have them. It was the first honest conversation Callie had had in weeks about what exactly had been on her mind. She had felt as if she had been relieved of one of the burdens she was carrying.

The tears had still come once she lay in bed alone. Exhausted physically she drifted off again with her nightly ghost haunting her last thoughts. This time the dimpled boy whispered 'Come catch me Mom' and ran off to the other side of the imaginary front yard.

Now she watched the ocean from the window. It always had helped her think before. And it was in the calm of the moment that she made her decision. She had thought about it long and hard. She had tried with George, she had thought about it through the divorce, then with Erica, and finally it had grown from a theoretical far off idea into a suddenly real desire, almost an urgent requirement.

"I'm going to have a baby." She announced to the empty room.

* * *

It didn't take long to convince Addison for Callie to meet the fertility specialist. She had mentioned it over breakfast and by the time they both were finished Addison had spoken to Naomi and booked an appointment for later that day. They had spent the day on the beach outside Addison's house both reading.

"You know what would make this so good right now?"

"What?"

"Strawberry daiquiri's"

"This is not the Torres I left in Seattle."

"You are correct on that one, but Strawberry daiquiri's are a family tradition of my sister and I. We called it Torres time. We'd sunbathe and drink Strawberry daiquiri's and swim and just have a great afternoon by the beach."

"I've got all the ingredients for your fluffy pink drink, but maybe we'll get to the appointment with Naomi first?"

"Sure."

* * *

"So how does this work?"

"Well we'll run a few tests on you. Determine if you physically able and ready to get pregnant, then we'll go from there. I've got a couple of different cryo-banks that I am associated with, so should these tests come back all clear, we can start talking cycles and donors and all the interesting things tomorrow."

"Great, Thanks for seeing me at such short notice Naomi."

"You are welcome. Come back tomorrow afternoon at 3 and we'll talk about the results."

"Thank You." She left the office with Addison standing outside. Callie looked up and smiled and while Addison raised her eyebrow and followed the brunette.

"Are you sure about this?"

"If I wait for the right time, I'll never have kids."

"Well I know that feeling. But what about finances and work. Have you thought about all that?"

"Addison, I didn't just jump into this. I've been thinking about this for years. I have thought about the logistics I can do this."

"What about money… didn't your Dad cut you off?"

"He also gave my trust fund back with more money than I will ever need. I have thought about it. This is not a reaction to my break-up with Arizona, if that's what you are thinking. I wanted to do this with her, but she doesn't want it, so I'm just going to do what I want."

"I just don't want you to do something you regret. This is not a tattoo. It's permanent, but with real consequences. Consequences that will last the rest of your life. You might have considered it before, but you'll be doing this on your own."

"I am aware that it will be difficult, but when is life not difficult? Do you want to be cool Aunty Addie or not…?"

"I want you to be happy."

"I will be." They reach the car and Callie gets in the driver's side, looking over at her passenger she smiles. "Tomorrow I can start picking the Daddy." She laughs. Addison looks at her and smiles. "You have another day off tomorrow?"

"Yeah, the rest of the week, until Monday, figured I could use a little Torres time."

"Ah… so the sunbathing and cocktails appealed to you? Knew you were a daiquiri kinda girl." She laughed before her car roared to life. "I miss having you around in Seattle. Maybe I should move down here."

"That wouldn't be moving here that would be running away."

"Yeah, I guess it would be. It's still a nice thought though-" Her phone starts vibrating and Little Pieces by Gomez fills the air. "Uh – can you get that?"

Addison answers the phone

"Callie's Phone Addison Speaking"

"Addison, how are you?"

"Derek? I'm good. How are you?"

"Great. Look is Callie there? I need to speak to her about something."

"It's Chief Sheppard - do you want to pull over?"

"What does he want?"

"What do want Derek?"

"I need to speak to Torres, it's important."

"Apparently it's important."

She pulls over and takes the offered phone off Addison.

"You are interrupting my time off. I distinctly remember telling you that I need two weeks without interruptions – I can take my research elsewhere Derek. I don't have anything keeping me there anymore."

"Hold on Torres, I just wanted to let you in on some news that might be interesting for you."

Silence. She rolls her eyes and sighs loudly

"Well… go on."

"It seems that Seattle Grace has a Harper Avery nominee."

"That's nice…. I'm hanging up now."

"It's you. You have been nominated for the Harper Avery."

"Wha?"

"As chief I am ringing to let you know that there will be a ceremony in July – three months almost to the day - with the announcement of a winner. Congratulations."

"But why?"

"Callie I've seen how many hours you've put in, I've seen you build titanium legs, I've seen you freeze a man so that he could possibly walk again. Most recently you made cartilage out of nothing, if anyone deserves this award it is you. You don't do it for the glory you do it for your patients, that's why you were nominated to the board. The Avery Foundation seemed to agree and think you were doing a good job too."

"Wow. Thanks – Chief."

She hung up the phone. Addison looked over curiously.

"You are looking at one of the five nominees for Harper Avery award."

"That's…great. Definitely a reason to celebrate."

"Yep, I need a drink right now."

* * *

He headed to the coffee cart to get yet another coffee, when he saw Derek Sheppard in the halls.

"There is the Grandpa himself." Derek smirked.

Mark wasn't that bothered by it. He just smiled.

"Ah, I see, the grandpa has finally grown up. So you heard the news?"

"What news?"

"Torres got nominated for the Harper Avery."

"What?"

"Yeah, for her Cartlidge study she's just published. The titanium legs didn't hurt at all either."

"Wow."

"Yeah, couple of Seattle Grace alum that she will be up against though… Erica Hahn for one. Preston Burke for two."

"Erica Hahn? As in the cardiothoracic surgeon Erica Hahn? As in her ex."

"Yep. One and the same."

"That is interesting. I wonder how that will work." He took a moment and thought of Callie before continuing. "Think she's got a shot?"

"She is a lot younger than most – that could be a pro or a con. Orthopedics is usually less focused upon in this competition, again they might look at it as more reason to give it to her. Burke had already got one award, so maybe he'll get a second... She has done a lot of research and hers is a huge breakthrough. I'd like to see her win over Hahn and Burke, that's for sure. We won't know anything until July."

"It would look good for you too?"

"A Harper Avery while I was Chief? Wouldn't hurt that's for sure."


	3. Chapter 3

AN – So no token self-depreciating comment here (Surprise for you all!) I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Callie and Addison were sitting in the office waiting for the consultant to come in. The tests had come in and after a chat with Naomi about cycles and things to do to try and improve her chances of conceiving, it was time for the next step – picking a daddy, as Callie had put it. Naomi had recommended several clinics, one standing out to Callie more than the others. Each clinic had it's own way of 'selling donors', but the one she had settled on had photo's, every last detail about the donors family history and of course, the option of having what they called a 'Yes' donor – or a identity release donor who would consent to meet the child should after 18 years, the child wished to know who donated their genes. It was very important to Callie to have the option of both a 'Yes' donor and to have a full family history. Aria had never met her father and it had caused all sorts of problems emotionally and also health-wise and she wanted to avoid both situations.

A young woman walked into the door and glanced at the women. She smiled.

"Dr Calliope Torres?" She asked questioningly.

"Callie" Callie stood to shake her hand.

"Hi Callie, my name is Kim and I will be your consultant for this process. And who this is… your partner?"

Addison snorted and then followed it up with laughter. Callie smiled and rolled her eyes at her friend's reaction.

"This is my friend, Addison. She's an OB so I suggested she come along."

"Oh, right… Sorry." The consultant flushed a little with embarrassment. "So you have elected for our 'Yes' donors database that also shares with a number of clinics throughout the country. We have an electronic database, you can access over the internet, so you can browse the lists at home. Since you are here though I think we should maybe narrow down your search, it might help you out. What are your criteria?"

"College educated. Blonde Hair. Blue Eyes. Dimples." Addison's head snaps around.

"Ah Callie… " A look passed between the two women.

"Is something wrong?" Kim looks between them. "I can leave if there is a problem… if you need to talk."

Both Callie and Addison answer at the same time with opposite answers. Addison replying with a yes, while Callie replying with a no.

"Ok, I'm just going to step out." She stutters, looking a more than a little uncomfortable. She left the room, closing the door behind her.

"You said this wasn't about Arizona."

"It isn't"

"Well then why are you trying to get a donor with her physical traits? Even when you know that blues eyes and blonde are recessive genes?"

"I've been seeing a kid. In my dreams… he's got blonde hair and the blues eyes. And this cheeky smile. I can't get him out of my head. So I am going to go with what I've been seeing ok?"

"I think this is a bad idea. I'm not psychologist, but I think the boy is your mind holding on to Arizona."

"I want to try for my little boy. If I end up with a girl, who looks just like me I'll love her just the same. But those are my preferences ok?"

"Callie."

"If I had have said brown hair and green eyes you wouldn't have had said a thing – even if they were Georges traits. It's not about Arizona. In fact this whole thing… this process - it's quite the anti-Arizona because by doing this I'm effectively cutting off all ties I have to her. She will not be there for me if I do this. It makes our break-up that much more real. So, yeah, I have thought. I have thought about it enough to know what I am doing and the consequences."

Addison looks over at her, and studies her features before nodding slightly. Callie gets up and opens the door.

"Sorry about that Kim." The consultant once again enters the room and takes a seat at her desk.

"So Blonde hair, blue eyes and college educated?"

"Yes."

"Ok well I have your access for the database. You can log in from anywhere over the internet and just use your user name and password, they are on the bottom." She hands a piece of paper from the file on her desk, while looking at the file. "It says here that you only made this appointment today… through the Oceanside Wellness. How did you get an appointment so easily?"

"Addison works with Naomi and I imagine that Naomi pulled some strings."

"Your results show that you are in a healthy range and there is no reason, just yet, for you to consider a stimulated cycle."

"Yeah Naomi said that I could probably get through this almost completely naturally, well except for the clinics help." She smiled embarrassedly.

"Yes. You are under 35 and as I said, you are in the healthy range. Most women conceive within the first 8 cycles."

"Eight? As in I might not be pregnant for 8 months."

"Some women get pregnant their first cycle, it's never a sure thing."

"Ok, so what's next?"

Kim looks down at the folder in front of her. She skim reads the section and smiles.

"Well, since you haven't been on the contraceptive pill and you've been keeping a track of your cycle, pick a donor and then we'll deliver."

"Just like that?"

"Looking at your cycle… if you start there is a possibility of you being pregnant within seven to ten days."

"Like less than two weeks._ TEN DAYS_??" She was stunned. Two weeks and she could be getting exactly what she'd always longed for. A family of her own. She blinked several times before looking at Kim for confirmation

"That's what I said." Kim smiles and nodded.

Callie face is lit by a bright smile. She looks over at Addison and Addison smiles warmly back.

"But now back to the real world. There are some things that you should know about the program especially if you live in Seattle…"

Addison watched Callie the whole appointment. She was not sure if Callie had fully thought about what she was about to, but despite her own uncertainty Addison really was excited for Callie. The brunette was obviously very happy. Her eyes had lit and the smile had not left her face. She was little jealous, but mostly excited, for her friend. When the appointment was over they decided on some 'Torres time' (Callie convinced Addison that sunbathing in a light jacket was still sunbathing), adding Callie's laptop and internet connection to the list of required ingredients. So after their forth daiquiri in an hour, they had really started to enjoy the process of picking a possible father.

"Oooo, he's… yes."

"Addison!"

"Well he is. Look at that smile. He ticks all your boxes and he has a great body."

"It says here that his grandfather died of a heart attack."

"And?"

"Well… it's my baby getting those genes!"

"Yeah, but look at what good genes."

"He's alright."

"You've been speaking the vagina monologues too long, because that guy is a catch. What does his essay say?"

"It says that his family travelled a lot and he enjoyed it, made him closer to his two sisters and brother. He's a patriot. He has a soft spot for rain. He loves kids, but doubts he will ever have any of his own. Hold up. His favorite movie is Schindler's List, says it reminds him of his sister... I'm not sure if this is the guy, that's a bit weird."

"Really, well do you think that they can track him down for _me_?" Addison asked almost serious and Callie laughed.

"It says here that his 'donations' have only recently been added, however they were taken a number of years ago. He's got reject sperm. No son of mine is being made from reject sperm."

"Look at that face though… he's got dimples." Callie looked at the picture and sighed in defeat.

"Fine he's on the shortlist. Next. Nope. No. No way. Sorry. Nope. No. Noooo. Ooo. What about him?"

"Look at those ears… you really want to deal with that?"

"What about this guy. Says he played professional baseball."

"No college education, no donation. Your rules."

"But his genes could make my kid athletic and really good at baseball." Addison cocked an eyebrow and then stated:

"Look at his photo, with your criteria he'd be d) none of the above… but by all means…give birth to half a gorilla, what do I care?"

"Addison!" and with that they erupted into a fits of laughter. Torres time continued for the rest of the evening, as the sun set they continued on with their daiquiris and choosing the right candidate. After the gorilla, they had lost their focus and most of their comments were just poking fun at the unsuitable candidates. Callie was enjoying herself. She felt strange to be having such a great time without Arizona, but knew that with this next phase of her life she should get used to it because Arizona would be running to get away from her when she found out.

* * *

Arizona had the day from hell. She had had a sense that today was not going to be a good day from the start. She had decided that today would be the day to collect her things from Callie's apartment. She also knew had difficult cases today, so she scheduled an easy surgery for her first surgery of the day to get a glimpse of joy, to get prepared, to focus. One of the easiest surgeries she would ever have turned into a nightmare when an (almost) perfectly healthy 6 year old with appendicitis decided that his heart would give out 20 minutes into the surgery. It was undiagnosed heart problem. She couldn't have known but it didn't hurt any less.

She had managed to avoid seeing almost everyone that Callie had ever met until around 11am Mark had actually come into the peds ward. Mark Sloan in the peds ward. Go figure. She managed to avoid him, but again, it didn't make feel any better.

She lost another two patients and by 17:30 she was a wreck. She went to her locker, pulled out her phone and the hoodie that she had stolen from Callie, it was already too big for Callie, and was three sizes too big on her. She made her way to an on-call room and cried. She wrapped herself in the hoodie and drank in the scent.

She knew that it was part of her job, she knew what she had signed up for, but some days the pain was too much. In the last year Callie had been there to wipe away her tears, and wrap her arms around Arizona and tell her that everything was going to be OK. This was the first time in a year that she had to deal with the tiny coffins alone. She knew she would see them. She knew the dream well. Escaping from the dreams for so long hadn't allowed her to forget them. She was hoping that the smell would be comfort enough and let herself drift off to sleep.

* * *

Suddenly she was running. Not her usual after work jog but running. Running for her life. Running as fast as she could. But it wasn't enough. She wasn't moving fast enough. She was stuck in the one spot. She was trying all her energy. She turned around to see what she was running from. She already knew, but it startled her when she saw them anyway. Three small coffins. Open caskets of course. Laid out like a funeral. She stopped running and turned around. Step by step she got closer.

She didn't need to look at them to know who they were. Benjamin Thompson aged 6 Time of death 09:48. Liam Darcy Aged 9 Time of death 14:51. Emily Bennett Aged 13 months, time of death 16:37.

Emily's coffin stood out to her most. It was so tiny. Tinier than most of the tiny coffins. She turned around and she continued to run. She ran until she heard a voice behind her.

"Dr Robbins?"

She kept running.

"Dr Robbins?"

She kept on running.

"Arizona?" She felt a hand on her shoulder and woke with a start.

"Oh God." She brought her hands up to her face to cover her tears from Owen Hunt.

"Are you ok?"

"Rough day. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." She picked up her phone and checked the time. Shift over. She silently thanked the universe. "Time to go home." Then she remembered what she had to do. "Are you and Cristina doing anything tonight?"

"No. I think she wants to catch up on some study."

Arizona nodded and cursed in her head. Exactly what she didn't want to deal with now. Cristina. She got up and went back to the locker room. She got changed out of her scrubs and Callie's jacket. Carefully folding the jacket up and putting into her bag. She went to her car and got the box that had been brought from home. Getting to the door she pulled out the key, looking at it before putting the key into the lock. A feeling of finality filled her.

Cristina was sitting on the couch reading with her iPod in. If she noticed Arizona, she didn't show it. Arizona made her way into the room and opened her draw. 'Most of my clothes are here' she thought, realizing just how much stuff was actually here at Callie's place.

Once the draws and the wardrobe were clear of her things she went to the bathroom. There were two bottles of shampoo and two of conditioner. She picked up one, opened it and brought it up to her nose to drink in the smell. She bit her lip to stop herself from crying yet again. Shaking her head, she pulled herself out of her thoughts, replaced the shampoo and grabbed her stuff and left. Putting the bathroom items into the box she looks around the bedroom. Taking it in for the last time. The blonde picked up the box and left the room.

Cristina was still oblivious to her, so after putting the box down on the kitchen island she walks over to the couch and taps Cristina on the shoulder. After pulling the headphones out of her ears she just makes a face that say 'What?'.

"Umm… can you please give the key to Callie for me?"

"Why?"

"I won't need it anymore."

The look on Cristina's face changed immediately. Arizona had seen few emotions on Yang before, but none that quite said so much as this one.

"I take it Mark hasn't spread it around so much yet?"

Cristina just raises an eyebrow in question.

"Callie and I aren't… Callie and I anymore." She tries to smile but fails, seeing no further reaction from Cristina she turns around and goes to retrieve her box.

"Why?"

The blonde turns immediately surprised by the question. She takes a moment before answering.

"Some things are just not meant to be, I guess."

"That's crap."

Again surprised by the Resident Arizona thinks for a moment.

"Callie and I were happy, but there would come a time when I wouldn't be enough for her. She'd want a family, and I wouldn't."

"So you would rather watch her with someone else than give in? Pfft." She put her headphones back in and started reading the textbook, leaving Arizona just staring at her.

'Trust Cristina to simplify things so much' She thought as she went to her car. She couldn't wait to soak in her bathtub and let the stress of the day melt away.

After unpacking her stuff, she sat back on the bed. She got a little too comfortable and was feeling far too lazy to get up and run a bath, she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Callie started out of her sleep. She heard 'My life would suck without you' coming from her phone meaning one thing.

"Arizona? Are you ok?"

"I'm… I'm sorry I didn't. I shouldn't have… I'm sorry if I woke you up." Arizona voice was sad and tired at the same time. Callie could tell that the blonde was crying.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm just, I had…" She burst into tears on the other end of the phone.

"It's ok Ari, it's ok. Let it out" Callie was heartbroken hearing her cries and not being able to do a thing about it. She waited until the crying slowed.

"I'm sorry for calling you Callie." Callie stiffened at hearing her nickname. In all the time they had been together Arizona had called her Calliope, or Cal but rarely Callie.

"It's ok. Did something happen at work?"

"I better go."

"Arizona Robbins, I may not be your girlfriend anymore but I still care about you and you are going to tell me what's wrong."

Silence on both ends of the line until the peds surgeon forced herself to say something.

"I lost three kids today… I, I had…"

"The nightmare?" Arizona sniffled in response. "I'm sorry."

"It's just… Emily only turned one last month. And Ben had only just started school. Liam was voted best and fairest in his local soccer team. I just feel I failed them." She let the tears run down her face.

"Arizona, you work so hard every day to make sure these kids have a future, you do your best which is better than anyone else's best. You failed no one." Callie waited again until the crying slowed, eventually Arizona composed herself.

"I'm sorry for calling, I know that I said we should put some distance between us, I'm sorry for waking you up… I just… I needed to hear your voice."

"It's ok, really. We can be friends, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Umm… have you seen Sloan or Lincoln? Do you know how they are doing?"

"Mark and who?"

"Sloan Riley, Marks daughter, she had her son on the night… we uh, _that_ night. I spent most the night trying to stop Mark from pacing. In the morning I went and saw them before I left. Mark was over the moon." She cringed. 'That's right Callie ramble on and over-share. _Terrific_.' She thought, mentally slapping her forehead more than once.

"I haven't seen Sloan, I didn't know... I've been avoiding… well, everyone." She felt super foolish now. Callie had not slept with Mark Sloan, she had helped deliver his grandson. She berated herself for thinking that Callie would even think about doing that so quickly after breaking up with her. She had been avoiding Mark Sloan for last few days for nothing. '_SUPER_' she thought once more.

"Oh. I just thought you might have seen the name come up or something. It doesn't matter really." She looked at her phone and saw the time "Crap. Arizona you should really go back to sleep, you have to be up for work in 2 hours."

"I do."

"Ok well – Goodnight or good morning?"

"Thank you, Calliope." She whispered 'Calliope' before hanging up, trying to tell herself that Callie could not have possibly hear the slip. She had heard it.

Arizona lay back in bed and let the words "I still care about you" take over her thoughts as she drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

AN - Hi! Thanks for reading this! I just wanted to say that this story really is quite the departure for me. I'm a fairytale and cute one-shots kind of girl. I even stretched out and did a cutified version of an AU... but this? This is hard. And adult. And different.

I've had a few people basically review concerned about different elements of the story and how it's going to pan out, but I just want to say that I'm still the fairytale and cute one-shots girl. It's just going to take a little time to get there. But there will be a happily ever after. You'll just have to be there for the long haul... or not.

* * *

Addison looked at the computer screen and then closed her eyes in frustration. Who knew that there were this many blonde haired blue eyed donors in the United States? Considering both were generally thought of as recessive traits. 'Maybe Callie had a shot at that kid after all' She thought. She lifted her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. Both her brain, her eyes and her patience were being pushed to the limit. She loved Callie but this was becoming a joke.

"You know Callie, this is fourteenth donor in a row who has said he likes travel, kids, his country and either rain or sunsets. You'd think that you would try to be a bit more original."

"Yeah they are all blurring into one." Callie rubbed her eyes in weariness. They had been looking over the donors for three days straight and Callie had to decide before her appointment the next day. There were a few donors on her shortlist, but none of them really caught her attention. The criteria of blonde hair blue eyes had been extended slightly to light brown hair and grey through to green eyes and still nothing. She took a deep breath and just continued on her search clicking the next profile. She started to skim for key words and was pleasantly surprised that he ticked her boxes.

"This one. This is it."

"What?" Addison thought she was hearing things, as though a higher power had heard her silent prayer and was playing games with her. She looked over at Callie immediately to question whether she was in fact hearing things.

"Look this is the guy. This is THE guy."

Addison looked over and saw yet another blonde hair, blue eyed man. She was exhausted and annoyed and couldn't care less who father Callie's baby anymore. So she nodded and smiled.

"Good. We're done."

"You don't want to hear why?"

"Not really. I've spent 3 days off from work and they all look the same they are all as unoriginal as each other and I to be honest, at this point don't care anymore Cal."

"Well, I'm going to tell you anyway." She smirked and look over at the red-head. "He went to MIT. He hates rain. He runs marathons. And there is no weird allusions to any family members. He's it. Oh wait."

"No! Whatever slight imperfection he may have… I don't care. Just pick him and be done."

"Wow." Callie felt herself lean back a little in defense or shock - she couldn't be sure of which. "Are you OK?"

"I have spend 3 days listening to you decide who to have a baby with. Each time it comes down to something small and irrelevant, a comment about Schindlers List, he doesn't like your football team, he's a Republician… blah, blah, blah. Nobody is perfect. Nobody. So just pick. "

Callie stares at Addison, stunned at her outburst.

"But he's got reject sperm."

"Reject sperm?"

"You know like 'Schindler's list guy'..."

"It's just been held up by testing or something. Just go with it. Seriously."

Callie looked over at Addison and she could almost see the steam escaping her ears. She was actually worried that Addison would explode in frustration.

"I'm sorry about putting you through this."

Addison softened. Only a little.

"It's ok, I've just had enough."

"I should have thought more about it. I know that you came here from Seattle to do this whole thing, and you couldn't and now I'm rubbing it in your face."

"Callie. IT IS FINE. You need to stop obsessing and choose one, or choose not to choose one, because I think that is your problem. You're not really sure what you want to do and so you are procrastinating." Addison felt good to have aired her thoughts. She had her doubts about Callie's commitment to this when a donor, a seemingly perfect donor until "San Francisco 49ers Fan" came up. The brunette suddenly rambled on about how Miami was beaten in the Super Bowl when she was 7 and couldn't stand the team. Something that was totally an environmental factor, something that was wholly unconnected with genetics. It was a big red flag for Addison. Of course, Callie had denied it. Why wouldn't she? But now it was starting to get ridiculous.

"It's just – I've lost Arizona, I don't want to lose the rest of it. I don't want to lose the dream. You know?" She looks down.

"You don't have to do it now. You are 32 years old. You can go back home and think it over for a couple of years and still be able to go through with it."

"I want this, I do. And I want it with this donor here."

"So you've decided?" The red-head asked unsure.

"I've decided." The brunette replied confidently with a smile.

* * *

Arizona walked passed Sloan's room and caught a glimpse of Mark holding Lincoln. She almost decided to walk past, but reconsidered. She needed to work here and she needed to be able to work with everyone here. Even if it was the one person Callie trusted more than anyone. She entered the room hesitantly. As she passed the door she makes a slight knocking noise. She had heard about Sloan's complications and didn't want to wake her.

"So you are speaking to me now?" Mark says softly as looks up from his grandson.

"I just needed distance between everyone. Sorry, that included you too."

Mark just cocks his eyebrow. He himself had been distracted, but he had tried to track her down a number of times, even once venturing into the peds ward. But with Sloan's health deteriorating after giving birth and then her subsequent surgery he had remained by her side most of the time.

"I can understand that."

"So this is Lincoln?"

"Yeah, do want to hold him?"

"I don't really do babies, Mark."

"You're in peds."

"I can tell whether they are sick or not and I can operate on them, but I don't really have much experience with non-work babies."

"Blondie scared of the little baby?"

"I'm not scared Mark, I just don't want them around me."

"Why?"

She paused. He was her best friend. Of course he'd ask. She sighed. Honesty was the best policy. The truth. What was the truth? Oh yeah...

"Because they suck the life out of you."

He was stunned by her answer. It was not what he was expecting. He saw kids as the complete opposite. They keep you young and sane. They give you fun and there were going to be tears. Lots of tears. And tantrums. And embarrassing outburst of inappropriate behavior at the most public of places, but that was how you earned and appreciated the good days.

"Arizona, you couldn't be more wrong. Here. Take my grandson."

"Really, it's fine."

"Just take him." He hands her the baby and she holds him tightly.

"...And? Am I meant to coo at him too?"

"So you can't see it? You can't see that when he takes his first steps or when he says grandpa for the first time?" He got the look again. The 'when he hits a home run in little league', a look of pride.

"I..."

"You can't see when he stands on the bus for an older lady, when he graduates, or when he tells me that he loves me for the first time?"

"Mark, what happens when that all gets ripped away? What happens when he doesn't do what you ask, when he decides to run away, when he gets sick or-"

"What happens when you lose _her_ because you won't let yourself be optimistic about this? Isn't that your thing - Optimism?"

"You've known your grandson for all of 5 days and your daughter for not very much longer.... come back to me when he's 18." She hadn't meant to sound so harsh and with her reaction he could see that he was asking the right questions. He thought about it and said:

"By then Callie would have settled for someone else." He looked into her eyes and saw sadness. He knew that it would hurt her to see Callie with someone else. He knew that it would hurt Callie to settle for someone else, but he also knew how much she wanted a child of her own. "If you don't believe me about kids, ask your parents whether the pain is really worth it."

That statement was not designed to be hurtful. To most others it wouldn't have been. But to Arizona it did hurt.

Twins. One came with the other. If they didn't have her, they wouldn't have the pain of him. Was it really worth it? Was she really worth the pain of losing a son? He fought so that she could sleep safely in her bed. She chose to fight to save the lives of the country's future, in what often felt like a war zone. Every night she slept safely in her own bed and her brother now lay buried in a graveyard in Arlington.

It was a question she thought about a lot. It was a question she would never ask.

She decided not to engage in the discussion any longer. It was an unwinnable discussion for both of them. She couldn't think of her life with a child and Mark was in love with his grandson. So she just left it. She handed Lincoln back and watched Mark for a little while longer, before exiting the room.

* * *

Callie's holidays had flown by. She had shopped, spa'd, yoga'd, detoxed, retoxed and was ready to head home. She had enjoyed Addison's company, as she always had and felt saddened that they weren't going to spend any more time together until the next set of holidays. Addison was going to miss the brunette as well, even if she spent the two weeks jumping between two modes: Heartbroken and Ecstatic.

"I can't believe it's been two weeks already."

"I know. Thanks for inviting me here."

"You will tell me when you find out?"

"Yes. Of course."

"Now drive safely and take breaks?"

"Thanks Mom." She laughed. "I'm going to miss you Addie."

"I'll miss you too."

"See you when you come to Seattle next."

"Or when you come to LA."

Callie had hugged her three times already, but she went in for a final hug and held on to Addison.

"Thank you for putting up with me. Thanks for listening. Thanks for...just being my friend."

"You are welcome. Now safe trip home. Call me when you get back."

"I will."

Callie got into her car and drove back to Seattle. She spent the two days thinking about the possibility of a child growing inside her. Whether or not she would really get her dream boy or if she'd end up with a stubborn little girl like herself. She thought about her future as a surgeon. About her cartilage. About titanium legs. About being a possible Harper Avery winning surgeon. She let herself indulge in the idea for a few moments before snapping herself out of it. She didn't even know who she was up against, so how could she possibly think about winning? Why would she win? She had barely been an attending for 6 months. She hadn't succeeded with the titanium legs, she'd had to Google the operation with the freezing... and the cartilage thing wasn't even surgical. The more Callie thought about it the more she realised that she couldn't win. What if she was against Preston Burke - she had no chance. Once that thought had crossed her mind she decided that it was time to turn her iPod on and belt out some really great 80's rock. Before she knew it she had arrived home to her apartment. She entered it and was overwhelmed by the crap Cristina had managed to build up over 14 days. Clothes thrown everywhere and unwashed dishes in the sink, Callie quickly sought refuge in her bedroom.

She didn't find any.

The first thing she noticed was that Arizona's draw was slightly opened. Then she noticed was that Arizona's draw was slightly empty and then, finally she noticed was that her room was slightly cold.

* * *

Arizona had been headed to the cafeteria, hoping that the lateness of hour meant that she would avoid Callie, who she had heard had returned to the hospital that morning. So far the avoidance was working. Perhaps the only reason it was so successful was that it was mutual. Callie had finished her meal and was headed over to the research library. It just so happened that they saw each other in the lobby.

They'd spoken since the 'break-up'. They had even laughed. What they had not done is seen each other. Something neither was prepared for.

Callie and Arizona were standing 5 feet away from each other. Neither one could bring themselves to say something. So they just stood, looking at each other. Minutes passed and the only thing that had passed between them was matching deer-in-headlights expressions.

"So... I'm glad this isn't awkward." Callie said. Arizona laughed. The ice was broken or at least cracked.

"How are you?"

"Me, I'm good. You?"

"Yeah. Good." She started to think 'What should I say, what should I say' until it finally hit her. "Oh! Congratulations on the Harper Avery nod. That's pretty great."

"Thanks. I was a little shocked when Derek told me. It's surprising."

"But you've earned it."

"Thanks. That means a lot."

"This has been suitably uncomfortable, I think - especially with Yang and the Grey sisters staring at us. I'm going to go and... avoid. For a while."

"Well, I'm sure I will share another equally awkward exchange with you sometime soon."

"I look forward to it." They both smiled to each other. They walked in seperate directions leaving the Cristina, Meredith and Lexie confused.

"What was that?" The youngest Grey asked

"I'm not sure. I think that they are trying to be friends." Meredith answered.

"Oh Please, they'll be doing the McNasty again by the end of the week."

"Have you spoken to her?" Meredith asked.

"Why would I speak to her?"

"She's your roommate." Lexie insisted.

"Not seeing the connection 2."

Both the sisters just rolled their eyes and walked away.

* * *

A week soon passed and the mutual deer-in-headlights expressions lessened. Callie and Arizona had even sat at lunch together twice. Surrounded by other people but at the same table without awkwardness. It was a step. They had even had a case together, during which they worked well with each other. The avoidance lessened.

* * *

Arizona had got a call at 04:19. She was immediately awake.

She was used to waking to the sound of her pager and knew that it was not what woke her. She checked her cell phone and realised that it was her home phone that was ringing.

A sense of doom flooded her. The last time she had a phone call like that... it had ended with her standing at Andrews Base watching people unload coffins draped in a flags. She reluctantly pressed 'talk'.

"Hello?"

"Arizona. You're father's been in an accident."

"Mom?"

"He was out running. He got hit by a car."

"How is he?"

"He's been unconscious for a while. Doctor's think he'll be fine once he wakes up. I just thought you should know."

"Do you want me to come?"

"You don't have to. He's going to be alright. Just a couple of graz-" Arizona heard the sniffles and became very aware that her Mother needed her support.

"Mom. Do you want me to come?"

"I'd like that."

"I'll get there as soon as I can. I'll see you soon."

She got off the phone and let out the breath that she had been holding. Her father would be alright. What was left of her family remained intact. She offered a silent prayer to the universe and then got ready to travel across the country.

* * *

Addison hadn't been awake for more than 2 and half minutes, but despite that she was very awake and very aware. Despite her awareness she could not understand the words. She could just hear the sobs. The painful sobbing on the other end of the phone. She felt helpless. Callie's word were a blur and she struggled to comprehend any of them. Once Callie stopped mumbling Addison tried to talk some sense.

"It's ok. It's only the first round. You can try again."

"Haven't you been listening at all?" Callie managed to get out.

"You are not exactly speaking my language here Cal."

With that Callie burst out into another set of tears.

"Breathe Callie, just breathe."

"I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. This sucks. I shouldn't have even bothered and now..."

"Like I say you can try again."

"Addison that's not the problem. The problem is I am pregnant. Fuck. What am I going to do? Why didn't you talk me out of this? Oh my god. Arizona is never going to touch me again. I am a mess." She started sobbing all over again. Addison tried to control her laughter, but failed miserably. "Now my best friend is laughing at me."

"This is great news. You're just freaking out because it's so huge. You wanted this, this is TERRIFIC news."

"Really? I have this feeling it's not."

"You are feeling overwhelmed, I think. Like you don't know what you are supposed to do and because of that you are freaking out. It's ok."

"It's ok to feel like this?"

"Yes. It means that you're concerned. It means you are thinking about the right things... well maybe not so much with the 'Arizona never touching you again bit'."

"But what do I do?"

"Dream about your little boy and let me get some sleep."

"But-"

"Sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, you just need to remember the reasons you are doing this." Callie seemed to contemplate what Addison had just said. There was silence on the line before the red-head heard the brunette take several deep breaths before sighing loudly.

"You are right. I'm freaking out. Sorry for waking you."

"Congratulations Cal." Callie could hear the warm smile behind the voice.

"Night Addie."

She got off the phone amazed at how easily Addison had talked her down. How easily she had realized what was wrong.

Callie was overwhelmed. She was going to get her dream. She was going to get a child. It scared her more than she had imagined. She was going to have to feed it and clothe it and most of all love it - even if after 30 years of relationship it changes the game. She had never in her life had a feeling so utterly exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. So she got her dream. Now it was time to deal with reality. With Mark. With her parents. With Arizona.

'I just need to remember why I am doing this.' She told herself before going through a list of things she needed to do. Buy a house. Buy a crib. Organize a an OB/GYN. Pick out names... Breathe. For now, just breathe.

She laughed. She had plenty of time to work it out.


	5. Chapter 5

AN - So here is a little background of Arizona.

* * *

**Arizona's POV**

I love DC and I hate it. It's where my brother and I did a lot of growing up. My father was stationed here and the surrounds for work a majority of his work life. Between our stints in South Carolina, California and the 18 month stretch we did in Japan, DC was our home. It's also where my family stood, waiting for my father to come home. Once from Beirut. Once from the Gulf.

Andrews Base itself, was a place of good memories until October 2005, when I stood, watching my brother's coffin be unloaded from a plane. My father had been 'In Country' many times, coming home safely every time. When my brother had decided to follow my father's footsteps, I didn't think anything of it. It was expected. My father had come home every time. My brother's first tour of duty ended with my mother receiving a flag from a grateful President and a grateful nation. It seems DC likes to remind me of that. So many flags. So many memorials.

I get to Dulles at 3:30 and by the time I get out of the plane retrieve my luggage it is 4pm. I stand in line waiting for a taxi, when I feel my phone vibrating in my bag. It takes me so long to find it I almost miss the call.

"Hello?"

"Arizona Thank God, I finally got you. Derek told me what happened. Are you ok? Is your Dad alright? How is your Mom?"

I smile in spite of myself. We obviously have to work on being 'just friends', but the concern in her voice warms me through just the same.

"Yeah, Mom says he's going to be fine. He's just a little banged up – That's all. He's got a broken leg and lots of stitches. We're all ok."

"You don't need me to look over his scans or anything?"

I laughed, because quite frankly I had thought about asking her.

"I think he'll be fine Callie. But… Thanks."

"So you're in DC now?"

"Yeah, you just caught me actually. Got off the plane 15 minutes ago."

"I'm glad you made it there safely. Um…"

"What is it?"

"I just… If you want, when you come back… I can pick you up – from the airport. If you want."

I smile. A friend would do that. Right? I can let her do that for me.

"I'll let you know my flight details."

"Say hi to your mom for me."

"I will. Callie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank You. For being my friend even though… you know."

"You're welcome. Besides… I might have to call in some favors sometime soon."

"Bye."

"Bye Ari."

By the time the conversation had ended I am at the front of the queue and the next taxi pulled up.

"Bethesda Medical Centre, please."

I get in the cab and just let my thoughts wander. The next thing I know, the driver is telling me I owe him $60. This trip has already been tough on my wallet.

Eventually I get out dragging my bag behind me. I call my Mom, letting her know that I was there and she tells me she will meet me. I stand looking around. I realize that I haven't mentioned the break-up to my Mom yet. Considering Callie was the first person I ever took home. Well besides Joanne. Joanne was more of a point to prove. Plus I was 17. So as an adult Callie was the only women I've introduced to my parents. They loved her instantly. Now I have to explain that they will have to stop making plans for a happily ever after. Crap. I hate DC.

Suddenly I am enveloped in arms. I smile. My Mom always did give the best hugs.

"Mom. "

I can feel her softly sobbing against my body. She's obviously had a rough day. I let go of my bag and rub her back trying to comfort her.

"I'm so glad you are here Zona."

"Is Dad still ok?" I try to ask it as softly as I can. I know that she's had a rough day but I can't help but think there is something more to it than just that.

"He's fine. Really. He's awake and complaining and barking out orders."

Dad was always the worst patient.

"Then… Are you ok?"

"I am just relieved to have you here, baby-girl." I pull back a little to see the tears escaping her eyes. She hasn't called me that in years. I pull her in for a tighter hug, before letting go. "So Callie didn't come with you?"

"Uh… no. She said to say hi though." I can feel her eyes on me. Mothers – how do they know everything?

"Why did you break-up?" Now see. This. This is where I get my usual directness from. This woman here. Usually I find it such a good trait. Honest and caring. Now? Not so much. I look down, because I don't want to answer and I do not want to go through this with yet another person. Not right now.

"Can we just go and see Dad?"

"Arizona Elizabeth Robbins."

"Margaret Patricia Robbins." I snap back at her.

"Zona. What happened?" She must have seen the sadness flick across my eyes when I think about not being with Callio- with Callie. Callie. Her name is Callie. I shake my head. I really do not want to talk about it. Finally she leaves it, as she grabs my bag and pulls it behind her. I follow.

I get to my father's room only to find him sitting on the bed, fully-clothed in what I recognize as a 'leaving the hospital' posture coupled with an 'I'm getting out of here' expression. His face has a little road rash as do his arms and his leg has a cast, how far up I can't tell as he has some sweat pants on over it.

"Dad."

"Zona." He smiles at me. I was always his little girl. I used to be such a tomboy climbing trees, collecting lizards, killing ants with magnifying glasses. I'd get into scrapes. All the time. Once Danny and I were 9, we were playing baseball in the backyard. Danny was pitching and I had the bat. He put all he had into this one pitch. I knocked it straight out of the park. It would have been a homer for sure. Unfortunately for me the neighbors next door had a glasshouse. Instead of owning up to what we did, I convinced Danny that we should recover the ball and no one would be able to tell it was us. Not only did we get caught, but we got eating Mr. and Mrs. Willis' prize fruits of some description. Berries I think. But we got caught red-handed. Literally. Whatever it was got all over our hands. Danny, being Danny told Dad that it was his fault. My Dad didn't really believe him, I don't think. Later that night, after my brother and I had gone to bed. I ran into my parent's room crying. I had to tell my Dad that it was really all my fault. He didn't seem to be surprised. He just hugged me and thanked me for telling the truth. He let me get away with it. It was then I truly realized the power of the dimples.

"You look like you are ready to go?"

"I am. No more hospital for me."

"How long has he been conscious?" I look to my Mom.

"Since this morning."

"Did he have a concussion?"

"Yes. He convinced them that his daughter was a world class surgeon and would monitor it for him."

"Dad!" He just smiles at me and I move toward him and hug him lightly, still not entirely sure of the extent of his injuries. "I'm glad you are alright."

"Where Callie?" I roll my eyes. You'd think that Callie was their daughter or something. So typical that they are just so in-sync with each other.

"Not here."

"I see that." He looks at me. I know that look. He'll get the answers later.

"Let's go." I look at my Mom and nod. My father seems to stand easy enough. He awkwardly brings the crutches from the leaning against the bed, to under his arms and starts to use them. He grimaces a little before walking out of the hospital.

* * *

I haven't been to this house in five years. When we moved out Mom and Dad left our rooms as they were. As I walk into his room, my entire world changes. It morphs into a place where my brother and I went halves on a car and fixed her up, using all our spare time and money. To a place where we competed for Joanne's affections. To a place where my best friend was still alive and there to tease me about anything and everything.

His bed and posters are still the same. The only thing that has really changed any is that his dresser is now adorned with a fabric triangle of blue and white, along with his tags, his fruit salad, his medals and box, I assume is his class ring. A shrine to a fallen soldier. I can't look at it too long. I don't want to remember the flag. I want to remember my brother who rebuilt cars and played video games.

I look over to his desk and see the finished Rubix cube. It had taken him two weeks to figure it out, but once he realized that there was a formula to it, it was completed in ten minutes. I sit on the bed and just remember.

"Zona."

"Hey Dad." I didn't need to turn around to know who was there. So I don't. He takes a seat next to me on the bed, leaning the crutches next to him on the bed.

"Are you ok Arizona?"

"I'm great." I. am. great. Hmmm. Maybe not.

"So what happened with Callie?"

"We broke up."

He chuckled a little.

"I know that much."

"Our idea of the future, it's different."

"How different?"

Here it comes. My Dad, as I say, has always had a soft spot for me. He always let me off easy. He also knows me incredibly well.

"She wants kids."

I watch his face as something washes over him, and then realization. He nods.

"You don't. You're a pediatric surgeon who has seen sick kids for just under a decade and seen her brother die."

I gulp. Hammer. Nail. Head. Bullseye.

"You know Zona, when I was 21, I shipped out for Vietnam?" This wasn't knew information for me, it is the first time I ever heard it from his mouth though. "I had met your mother, and married her and I was shipped out. It wasn't pretty. There is good reason why people came back so damaged. But I had your Mom to come home to. And I was lucky enough to come home, with only a small physical wound."

"Wound?"

"I was shot." He pauses to look at me, and I think my eyes are bulging out of my head because he back tracks a little "Not _shot_, shot, I was incredibly lucky. The bullet grazed me. I was just one of the 300,000 odd that were wounded. Even though I was lucky, I still came back different. Not a man you would recognize." He takes a breath and smiles at me. He picks up my hand. "Zona, for years I couldn't get passed what I had seen. What a terrible place the world was. What we do to one another. My life was so dark for so long. Your mother almost left."

Wow. Another shock. My parents were pretty much inseparable. I would never have guessed.

"I told her I didn't want to have children. I told her that bringing children into the world was just another nightmare for me to face."

"Then why? How?"

"In 1973, your Uncle Robert was released from a POW camp in Vietnam. I thought I was dark. I was walking on sunshine compared to him. He came home malnourished, tortured and broken. He came home and he barely spoke, barely ate, barely slept. Eventually he couldn't take it anymore and he…"

He trails off and I know what happened after that. I stare at my father. He had so much pain on his face and I can't understand it, I will never understand the extent of his pain.

"A year after that, November of 1974 he received a letter, with his dog tags in it. It was in Vietnamese. I took it to one of the guys in my unit, who I knew had learnt the language. He wrote it in English for me. So I read it. I read it over and over and over.

"Your grandfather was a hero. He saved those men on that ship and he did it before dying himself. I know I told you that story over and over, and I wanted you and Danny to know what bravery and heroism is. I didn't tell you that my brother was captured because he was trying to protect a little girl from being raped by a group of men. He didn't do it for his country. He didn't even do it to save 19 men. He did it to save one twelve year old girl. That twelve year old girl was then 17 years old and wanted to thank the man that had saved her that day."

"I don't understand. How did that help…"

"Humanity. I finally saw humanity. I know it's not much, but in my mind – it opened my eyes to a lot that I had been shutting off. My brother had done something truly selfless. He was such an honorable man, and he'd given up so much to be that man, that I couldn't let myself live, only half living. I owed it to him to get up and move on. I owed it to my brother who had lost so much to keep going and to build a life that he would have wanted."

I sort of see what he is trying to get at, what point he is trying to make to me.

"You think that I'm still mourning Danny? That I'm not moving on?"

"I know you are mourning him, because as his family we will always mourn him, but you need to understand why we go to fight. Why three generations of Robbins men have fought and lost their lives for their country. It's so that you and your mother and your grandmother could live."

"I'm living. I've got a job I love and I work helping people. I have good friends."

"Honey why don't you want kids?"

Deflection is the only solution sometimes and I have Mark Sloan to thank for this one.

"Would you have us again? If you knew that Danny was going to die, would you do it again?"

"Wow." He looks a little shocked. He gulps. "I love Daniel very much. I loved teaching you both how to play ball. I loved teaching you both about cars. I loved teaching you both how to treat ladies correctly." I see a grin form on his face. Then his face turns more thoughtful. "Would I do it again knowing that it ended the same way? No."

There it is ladies and gentlemen. The big ticket item. The killer punch.

"I would have talked less about the Marines. I would have talked less about bravery. I would have talked less about the military being a tradition. I would have encouraged him to become a doctor or a lawyer, or to go into IT – he loved that sort of stuff. I would have told him to do something that wasn't going to get my only son killed. I would however, never give you up. Not for anything, and I wouldn't give the memories I have of Danny up either."

"Did you want to have kids? Or did you want to make Mom happy?"

"At first, it was to make your Mother happy. Which, now, I realize is incredibly stupid. Lucky for me it worked out. As your mom got more and more pregnant I found myself looking forward to having you and then I could feel you guys kick and I fell in love with you both. When you both arrived, I couldn't have been happier.

"I don't want you to be unhappy Zona, I really don't. I always pictured you with kids. Even when you told us you didn't like men, I still saw you with kids. Not because it's expected or any sort of obligation. You are just so giving. You are so warm. You take care of the ones you love. Even as a child you would make sure that everyone was OK. I don't want you to think I'll be disappointed if you don't have children either. I will not be disappointed. I'm proud of my children, come hell or high water. I just don't want you to get to a point in a couple of years where you realize you have lost Callie because you used to think something, that you now don't really believe."

* * *

After a week of lectures from my Mom about how I let the woman I loved get away from me, coupled with knowing looks from my father, I have to say I have never been more happy to have left DC. My father's concussion was obviously not keeping him down. I finally get off the plane and I get by luggage. Callie's here somewhere, so if I wait long enough, she should find me.

"Hey."

There she is. She looks so relaxed. She looks completely different to a week ago. She was so tense and short and a little bit rude to everyone the day before I left, even Mark Sloan came to me to complain, but here she is – completely at peace with whatever was bothering her.

"Hey Callie. Thanks for coming to pick me up."

"It's fine. Let's go." She grabs my bag and I follow her to the car. "So how is your Dad?"

"Oh he is fine. As talkative as ever, my Mom's much the same. No wonder I talk so much. It was had to get a word in at all."

She laughs a little as she pulls the car out. She soon finds her way to my apartment.

"There you are."

"Thanks for picking me up." I look over at her and bite my lip, a nervous habit I seem to have picked up from the lady in front of me. The words my Dad had spoken to me come into focus. "Do you… do you want to come up? I have something I need to talk to you about."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, it's just something I think maybe… I need to talk out."

"Sure. I'll just park and I'll be right up."

I get out of the car and I make my way up to my apartment. What am I doing? You can do this. You can do this. Arizona Elizabeth Robbins. You can do this. You are brave. Just like everyone else in your family. You are brave. You fight for kids every day. You are brave. Fight for your own happiness. You. Are. Brave. You can do this.

By the time I come out of my psych up and make the coffee I hear the knock at my door.

"Hey." It comes out like of my mouth as if I hadn't seen her months.

She catches the tone and laughs at me. I swat her and then lead her to my couch where the coffee table has both hers and my coffee sitting on it. We already know who sits where, because we still have our own side of the couch and she still has her own mug.

"So when I was at my parents... some things came up."

"Yeah?" She looks at me curiously.

"I… um… I spoke to my Dad. A lot. About a lot of things."

She doesn't say anything, but she does move her hand over my own, in a sign of support and encouragement and I can help but feel inferior. This woman has loved me and let me in and spoke honestly. I can't even speak honestly to myself. I take another breath and realize that her eyes are still on me, waiting. She's listening.

"I spoke to him about us. Before. About the kid thing." She tenses. I can understand that. We haven't really discussed anything, we just decided that I didn't want them she and that was it. "I think maybe I see things a little clearer. I think that maybe… My dad didn't want kids either. Well, He used to say he didn't want kids. He showed me that I maybe I was wrong. I'm not saying that I definitely will want-"

"I can't do this."

I'm surprised by her reaction. She's suddenly standing and pacing. She starts ranting in Spanish, all I can understand is the word baby and that she's speaking to herself, because she has said 'Calliope' more than once.

"Callie." She stops pacing.

"When- " She stops and returns to pacing before I hear 'Fuck' and then she continues back on her Spanish rant.

"Calliope."

"No." She looks up at heavens and says 'My God' in Spanish. That one I know. "NO." I feel my heart break. I don't understand. Does she not want me? In a month – she's already over me?

"Do you not want- Am I – Don't you lo-" Before I can get the word love out, she interrupts.

"Things are different from before."

I look into her eyes. She's met someone? She's moved on?

"Have you met someone else?" She shakes her head and makes an expression like I'm crazy. I am crazy. She's making me crazy.

"No. Not like that. I have done something stupid." She realizes what she said and she clamps up. I watch her tuck herself behind every defense system she owns. She loses the emotion from her face.

"What? Nothing could make me love you and less, I have realized over the past month that things between us... we can get through this. We are worth working through this."

"Arizona do you want to have kids?" It sounds a harsh and I'm a little confused at her abrupt behavior. Maybe she has spent too much time around Cristina.

"I think I do. Eventually. I'll need you to help me work through it. It could take a while. But I mean we have time right?" I smile and show my dimples and it seems that my words are having the opposite effect of what I want. She picks up her jacket and puts it on.

"I have to go."

"You are just going to walk away?"

"I'm saving you the trouble." My confusion is compounded. She must see it. She looks at me with so much sadness. "You'll see soon enough."

With that she walks out of my door.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN -** I wasn't going to post this, but Happy Thursday and all that.

* * *

**Callie's POV**

I can't believe she invited me up to her apartment. We must be finally getting it the friendship zone. It makes me happy. Maybe she might even think about being like another cool Aunt to my child. No probably not. She doesn't do kids, which why this one isn't going to be hers. My hand, which had found its way to my stomach unconsciously, reaches over and knocks on the door. She opens the door and flashes her dimples

"Hey!" It sounds like she hasn't seen me in years, I can't help but laugh at her enthusiasm. She swats me away, and I look to take my place over the couch. It feels a little weird to be here. To have a spot on the lounge that is not necessarily MY spot. To have a coffee cup and it not necessarily be MY coffee cup. It is almost like nothing has changed. But everything has. We broke up. We are friends. I'm having a child that she doesn't want.

"So when I was at my parents… some things came up." I look over at her and her face is serious and anxious. My concern and curiosity grow.

"Yeah?" Eloquent question Calliope. REALLY, well done.

"I… um…I spoke to my Dad. A lot. About a lot of things." I really love her Dad. He's a great guy. I just hope he doesn't hate me for breaking her heart or anything. Not that I did. I cover her hand with my own. She seems to be struggling with something and if she needs a friend to talk this through, I'll suck it up and listen because she has put up with so much from me and stood by it all.

"I spoke to him about us. Before. About the kid thing." Hold up. What? "I think maybe I see things a little clearer. I think that maybe… My dad didn't want kids either. Well, He used to say he didn't want kids. He showed me that I maybe I was wrong. I'm not saying that I definitely will want-"

This can't be happening. It can't be. I thought. She was so sure. This can't be happening. Fuck. Fuck. Double Fuck.

"I can't do this."

I get up and start talking to myself, yelling at myself. She wants to get back together. I didn't see this. This wasn't in the plan. She was meant to go on making nice as friends until she found someone new and I could tell her about the baby and we could all be happy. I feel myself pacing frantically, with all the trademarks of my normal Spanish rants. Flying hands, harsh pronunciation. She just sits there and stares.

"What have you done Calliope? What is to be done? She might want a baby? But you've already got one. She might want one. She probably doesn't want your one. Not since she's not been involved in any of it. What the fuck have you done Calliope? You couldn't have waited a month. Of course I had to be most fertile woman on the planet. Eight cycles my ass. Last time we tried for two months and nothing. Fuck."

"Callie." I turn and look at her. She is looking at me expectantly. When does she want kids? Maybe I could convince her that this baby is a good idea. This baby could have two moms that love him or her.

"When-" 38 weeks is a very short period of time to convince her. To let her face something that she has fought for 34 years. "Fuck." This is not going to work. "She will not want this baby. It will be hard for her to overcome this let alone not have any control over it. She has control issues to start with. It's going to feel out of control."

"Calliope"

One word and I'm willing to try anything.

"No." I'm talking to myself, but the look on her face tells me she thinks I'm talking to her. I'm not letting myself lose control over this. "NO." I barely have time to see the hurt register on her face before she starts asking questions. None of which she finishes. I know she thinks that nothing has changed. But everything has changed. I have something to protect. I have something that I have to look after until I draw my dying breath and if she can't commit to that, I'm ok. I'm going to be ok. I hear her last question before she even completes it. Of course I love her. I will always love her, but this wasn't about love.

"Things are different from before." I see the look in her eyes and her expression there is a mix between hurt and curiosity.

"Have you met someone else." I shake my head. I am sure that there will be no one else that fits me the way you do Arizona Robbins. There it is. I finally admitted to myself that I really do think I'm going to end up alone. What have I done? I should have talked to her before I did this. Made sure that there was no way in hell she would want it. I should have pushed her.

"No. Nothing like that. I have done something stupid." No it's not stupid. You were going after what you wanted. It is not stupid.

"What? Nothing could make me love you and less, I have realized over the past month that things between us... we can get through this. We are worth working through this."

As much as I want her take her in my arms and love her right this moment I now come as part of a package. She needs to want the whole package.

"Arizona. Do you want to have kids?" It comes out a bit forceful, but I'm desperate for the right answer here. It's a question she must answer only one way, because if she says no, or even a maybe... it's too late for us.

"I think I do. Eventually." She continues on but all I hear is the total silence of isolation. She smiles at me with those dimples that make my heart pound so heavily. I can feel the tears well up in my eyes and I have to go before she sees them. I grab my jacket and put it on, suddenly feeling very cold.

"I have to go." My words come out strangled.

"You are just going to walk away?"

"I'm saving you the trouble." And I'm saving me the pain. She looks confused and my heartbreak is made that much more acute. She'll know soon enough. "You'll see soon enough."

As I walk out the door I whisper that I am sorry for not waiting. I doubt she heard, I barely heard it.

I get to my car and I break down. She is the love of my life and I had to jump the gun – yet again. I hadn't learnt my lesson. Really? Calliope Iphegenia Torres, you've ruined everything. Again.

* * *

It's been a month. And we are back to avoiding one another. A month of seeing her hair disappear around a corner. A month of hearing wheeling gliding on the floor and ducking into supply closets. A month of hiding behind Mark Sloan. And it was all going so well. Until the morning sickness kicked in.

Now it seems that every time I am looking even slightly nauseous she's nearby looking at my gross clammy skin wondering what she ever saw in me. Now look where I am stuck.

"Calliope you have to come out of the stall at some point."

"I'm fine really."

"Yeah. Right."

"Look Arizona I'm really flattered by your concern. _Super flattered_. But can you leave? Please?" She giggles a little at the reference.

"You aren't well, you need a doctor. I am a doctor."

"I am a doctor too and I'm fine."

"Calliope. I've seen you duck in here every morning. And I know it's not just to avoid me, because every single time you have come out green."

"It's just nausea. It'll pass."

"You need to get this looked at."

"I already know what it is."

"It's not serious, is it?"

She sounds concerned. Maybe I should just tell her.

"Arizona?" I open the stall. I am still sitting against the stall wall, prepared for the next wave of vomiting that seems to always come, right as I'm about to get up.

She looks down at me. Concern in her eyes.

"This is my something stupid."

She looks at me with that confused pout.

"It's morning sickness."

Realisation flutters over her eyes and she takes a step back in shock.

"But you said that this wasn't just a vacation. You said that you weren't sleeping with him."

"Him? You mean Mark?"

"Who else?"

"He's not… this baby isn't his."

"Then who's is it?"

"Mine."

"And…what…it's an immaculate conception?" I laugh. Kinda yeah. "Who's the father?"

In retrospect the next words out of my mouth were not the finest I have ever uttered, in fact they would be pretty high up on the foot-in-mouth Guinness Book of Records list. But, of course, hindsight is always 20/20 and I have always had a way of screwing things up so superbly.

"I don't know." She looks shocked. And hurt and she backs away from me. "It's not like that – Arizona." Before I'm even half done saying her name she has left the bathroom completely and that nausea is coming back with a vengeance.

* * *

If she wasn't avoiding me before, she is now. And it's been two months worth of avoidance. I was hoping that she would at least hear me out, but it seems she's very good at blocking my words out. I was hoping that she would come with me to the Harper Avery's and I could show her off to Hahn, to show that I have grown without her. But here I am sitting on the couch the night before the award is handed out and all I can do it start a pity part of ice-cream and, of course, donuts. My newly instilled grief food. Cristina walks in, without Owen, which isn't so surprising anymore. This apartment is like the lonely hearts club or something. Maybe it's just because Cristina and I are just so screwed up. I can't believe the difference three months make.

"You want some donuts?" I hold out the tray.

"Yeah." She grabs one and then flops on the couch next to me. "I hate it here."

"The couch, the apartment, the hospital or Seattle?"

"Yeah." I chuckle in response.

"Do you want to come to the Harper Avery's with me tomorrow night?"

"Like a date?"

"Yes, Cristina, I want to get into your pants."

"Well I get that, I'm hot."

We both laugh with very little energy.

"Hahn will be there?" She asks.

"Burke will be there too."

"He's going to win again."

"I know. But if you go, you get free alcohol all night and a designated driver."

"You're not drinking? Even with Erica there?"

"I'm going to be the perfect nominee. Gracious in defeat. Congratulate him on his many great endeavors. Congratulate her on her research and nomination. Network a little so I can maybe move to LA and see the sun more than five times a year."

"Move to LA?"

"Pipe dream. You'll come?"

"I gotta see the showdown between you and Hahn."

"I just said I'd be gracious."

"She left you. In a parking lot. With nothing."

"She had reason to."

"When did you become an adult?"

"Good question. Now - You going to come?"

"OK, but you've gotta be my cock block."

"Your cock block?"

"If he comes near me, talks to me. With two awards he's going to have everything and I still have nothing. You have to…"

"I understand. I agree to the terms. But you have to know something. I'm not going to drink and even if I feel compelled to you have to stop me. It's not about the designated driver I'm just not going to, you have to make sure."

"Why?"

"I'm pregnant." She looks at me with total shock and disbelief. I have never seen so much emotion on her face. She nods.

* * *

"This is so boring." She rolls her eyes, before taking a long sip of her champagne.

"I always thought this would be such an awesome event-"

"Rule 3.2 no 'awesome' or 'super'."

"I thought this would be… better?"

"Oh it's about to, here comes Erica."

I look over and she is walking toward me. I can't help but panic. She looks so beautiful in that dress. So feminine. So relaxed. Really not the woman that left me in the car park.

"Hahn."

"Yang. Callie."

She looks at me and smiles. I can't help but give her a small smile in return. There is silence for a few moments. I look at her and try to say a number of things, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Cristina comes to my rescue.

"I saw the work that you posted. It's really interesting. How did you come up with that method?"

They talk a while and I stare at her while Cristina actually makes polite conversation. When the conversation has gone on long enough, Erica moves on and Cristina looks over at me.

"Cock block?" I ask.

"Cock block." She confirms.

I manage to successfully avoid Erica for the next few hours, until I go to the bathroom. Cristina seems to be enjoying the all you can drink Champagne so I leave her at the table. I enter the bathroom and Erica is fixing her make-up. She looks at me. I go to walk into the stalls.

"Callie. Can I say something?"

"Go ahead." I say rolling my eyes.

"I'm sorry." Not exactly what I was expecting. My interest peaks. "For walking away. It was stupid. I was stupid."

As beautiful as she is and as tempted as I am right now to kiss her and let all my Arizona problems float away I'm struck by one thing. She is not Arizona. We never fit the way Arizona and I fit. Erica may have been my first, but I've never wanted Arizona to be anything but my last.

"It was stupid. I can understand why though. I can understand what it is to be hurt by cheating. I couldn't understand for a long time, until my own hurt got healed. But I can understand now."

"It wasn't just that."

"It doesn't matter Erica. Really. You don't have to explain it to me. I was there. I saw what I did to you."

"It wasn't just you. I was pushing you to be someone you were not."

"No you weren't."

Her brow wrinkles. She looks at me in question.

"I met someone, after you, and I'm not saying this to hurt you, but, she made me realize exactly who I am. I'm only ever going to be with women, because I am only ever going to be with her."

She smiles and I head into the stall.

* * *

"I can't believe you did that Cristina! How was I meant to be gracious when you did that?"

"You said Gracious in defeat. You didn't say anything about gracious in victory." She slurs her words.

We are driving home and I can help but have the scene run over and over in my mind. They called MY name. Me. Calliope Torres. In my first year of being an attending I got a Harper Avery award. Then it all went to hell. A friendly conversation with Preston Burke ended up with Cristina basically rubbing it in his face that he didn't win a second award, saying it was because she wasn't at his side to do the work that was required. It ended in a heated argument with me carrying her and my new award to the car.

She keeps staring at the award. I can't help but be disappointed. Isn't an award like this meant to give you a feeling of euphoria. A feeling that can't beaten by anything else.

"This is so awesome." She slurs. Rule 3.2. No super or awesome. She is so drunk right now. I take her up to the apartment and leave the trophy on her bedside table. I know she'll worship it, no matter where it is, so she can keep it for the time being.

I slump on the couch and track through the night for something I can hold onto. There is nothing that seems truly memorable. It would have been different if I had Arizona on my arm. Everything is always different with her.

I put on my coat and go back to my car.

The only thought that I can treasure from tonight is this: Erica may have been my first, but I've never wanted Arizona to be anything but my last.

* * *

I knock loudly on her door. Repeatedly. Hopefully I'm not disturbing the neighbors. No answer. Maybe she's not home? I keep knocking anyway. I don't want to yell out to her, because once she knows it's me she definitely won't answer.

The door opens and she looks like I woke her up. Her eyes adjusting to the light and I take this opportunity before she comes out of her sleep induced haze.

I crush my lips onto hers and I force my tongue inside her mouth, teasing her tongue the way I know she love to be teased. It's not long before I can feel her responding. I have never been so determined to make things right in my life. I pull away.

"I love you. And I know what you think… you think that I am a whore. That this." I put my hand over my stomach "This was just some mistake. But it wasn't. This was when I was in LA, with Addie. I chose this. I chose a father from the internet. From a list. I haven't been with a man," And I quickly add "or anyone, since you. I just don't know who the father is. But not because I've been sleeping around" I try to explain more but the need to taste her lips again prevails, so I pull her to me and it is her who pushes the kiss deeper.

I pull back from the kiss and put some distance between us. This kiss solves nothing. As good as it is.

"I know it doesn't fix anything between us. I know that you still have issues with the kids and I'm sorry that this issue is now front and centre. I now come as a package deal with something you may never truly want, but I'm going to be here. For as long as you need. Even if you decide that you never want it. I'll still be here, waiting for never to pass."

I kiss her one more kiss goodnight and head down to my car.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN -** Ok. So... there is some pound-caking in this chapter, so I had to change it to an M rating. First off, it's my first attempt at writing a sex scene. Be nice. I was going to take it out but, I went to all the trouble so... whatever. Also, there is bit in here about an ultrasound. I know that it wouldn't happen this way, that a radiologist would do it and blah blah blah... both Callie and Lexie did Sloan's ultrasounds so if it's good enough for Grey's, it's good enough for me.

* * *

**CALLIE'S POV**

So I have been here for 98 minutes and 12 seconds, well 15 now… I haven't seen her. She's probably in surgery. Surgery. We are surgeons and she has kids to fix. Lots of kids. Kids that she doesn't want. Stop. You are not getting into this again. You did the big romantic gesture, if she doesn't want to take you up, you'll wait. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. If she doesn't want you. If she moves on, then that's OK. Who are you kidding Calliope? It won't be OK.

Ooo. There's Mark. So much to talk to him about. So much to say. I have to tell him about Baby Torres. The first trimester is just about over and I actually have to start telling people. Actual people, not just roommates and (ex)-girlfriends(?). Mark would be next on the list.

As I get closer to him I realize he looks tired. REALLY tired.

"Mark, are you ok?" I'm a little concerned that he'd even be operating. His eyes are bloodshot.

"Satan Riley kept me up all night."

"What?"

"Kids, Callie don't do it. I haven't slept in 3 months. " Thanks. Really good advice.

"Oh, he couldn't have been that bad." I mean he's 3 months old. How bad could it be? He has barely learnt to lift his head up, his sleep patterns should be starting to be more manageable, he should have formed an emotional attachment with them and is probably starting to actually listen to language. All the studies show that now is the time to start speaking lots of words, maybe start reading and start to develop his sense of tou-. Why is he looking at me like that?

"What?"

"Where the hell did you learn all that?"

"What?" Crap. I did not say that out loud...

"The stuff about the 3 month old kid that I have no idea about. Is it like an ingrained woman thing?" Perfect. Just tell him.

"Oh, I was just… it's just research." Liar, liar.

"On babies?"

"Yeah, well… I've been dating a pediatric surgeon for what? 18 months… it's just rubbed off I guess." I'm so going to hell right now. I should just tell him. I have to tell him at some point. I'm going to start _really_ showing any week now and scrubs can only do so much.

"Are you still dating the pediatric surgeon?"

"I don't know. Maybe. She wants to works it out, I think… but something came up so… I don't know."

I see Derek in my peripheral vision and he's making his way toward me. He has that whole McDreamy smile that so doesn't work on me, but hey, he's a nice guy so I can't really judge him for it.

"Congratulations on..." What? How does he know about… Cristina. I am going to kill her. Can't keep her mouth shut. Damn twisted sisters. Now the gossip about Baby Torres will fill the whole hospital. Poor Arizona she will have to face the gossip. She'll probably be laughed at. God what a mess. This is going to severely hurt my chances at anything with her. I'm going to kill Cristina. I should have let Burke rip her a new one last night.

"Torres?" Derek asks with concern. Must have been something to do with the horror that is written all over my face. I look over at Marks face and his shocked expression does not make me feel any better. Terrific. Terrific terrific terrific.

"What? Sorry?" I'm sorry Derek, I was too busy trying to think how quickly I can transfer out of this hospital.

"Cal, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize that last night were the awards. I've been so busy with Lincoln and Sloan. Wow that's so great. Congratulations." He pulls me into a very uncharacteristic bear hug. Awards? Oh, wait! I'm a Harper Avery recipient. I'm a superstar. So they don't know. Breathe Calliope. Stop jumping to conclusions.

"Thanks Mark." I start to pull away from his hug, a little thrown at the big girl that Mark has suddenly become.

"I believe you are also in line for the Nobel Peace Prize too." Derek smiles at me knowingly. So my roommate _has_ spoken to the happier half of the twisted sisters.

"Well let's just say if Cristina thought she was responsible for Burke getting the award before, she thinks the award is hers now."

"What happened?" Mark looks confused.

"I took Yang to the Awards. I figured I could deal with Burke, she could deal with Erica. It was fine until after the award was announced an inebriated Cristina got all cage-fighter on Preston Burke. Nothing he didn't deserve, however I had to physically remove her."

"Jennings wants a word with you. I'll clear your schedule for 3?"

"Sure. What is it about?"

"Well he just wants to prep you for the interviews and the press-conference."

"The WHAT? Derek No. You've seen me on stage in front of people. No. I don't do. I'm not. NO."

"It's part of winning."

"Don't care. You can have the award. In fact… Cristina can have the award. It's in her room, she can have it. She can talk. She'd be very good at it. Plus she really wants the award. REALLY wants it. OR Bailey? Bailey would perfect. She can do it. She's ten times the surgeon I am - she can do it."

Mark grabs me, like he had done so many times before, by the shoulders so I looking in his eyes.

"Callie. Stop speaking Spanish. We don't understand. All I can understand are names. I have no idea how Bailey or Cristina fit into this."

I look at them both with the terror I feel.

"We will keep the speaking to a minimum. Just answers to questions. I'll try to convince Jennings that there is no need for a presentation. I'll be there to help deflect some attention."

"Derek, are you sure? I don't want to make the hospital look stupid."

"You won the Harper Avery. You're making it look better. Now I'll see you in my office at 3." He walks off and I remain still and scared out of my mind.

"It'll be ok Cal. Really." Mark pats me on the back. I don't know if it's the morning sickness or the stage fright, but I have the sudden urge to be sick. Very sick.

* * *

I'm in the stall. Again. This one must be reserved for me, because I swear I have sat here almost every day for the last month and a half. Except right now I have never been more uncertain or scared or messed-up. My life has not looked this chaotic ever. Even when my husband was sleeping with a hot blonde, or even when I was so attracted to Erica I thought I would die of embarrassment just to be in the same room as her. Nothing compares to this moment. Just yet another thing to add to the drama that is my life.

Spotting.

On top of everything else. God is obviously punishing me. Arizona's avoiding me, again. I have to speak in front of who knows how many people. Now I might even be losing the baby. My life is so crazy in this moment. I'm exhausted. It's all so exhausting.

I feel the tears fall from my eyes. I call the one person who can help.

"Addie"

"Callie what's wrong?"

"I'm… I'm spotting."

"What?" She takes a while to comprehend, but immediately rattles off a number of questions and I answer each one. "Ok, so you don't have any of those symptoms at all? You don't feel like anything is wrong?"

"No. None."

"Cal, I want you to get your OB to check you over."

"I haven't got one yet."

"Callie!"

"I've been putting it off. Obviously I want someone who works here at the hospital, but I knew the second I would see an OB, and get all the labs and tests and such that the rumors would spread like wildfire. I wanted it to say quiet."

"Who does know?"

"Arizona and Cristina."

"That's all?"

"Yep."

"And Arizona's not an option? While she isn't an OB, she'd probably be pretty close to it."

"I think she's avoiding me."

"Why?"

"I woke her up in the middle of the night and professed my love for her. Told her that I'm not the slutty person she thinks and that I'll wait forever for her. Now she's avoiding me."

"Cal, you really don't do anything by halves, do you?" Amused? She's amused? Really not the best time to be amused Addison Montgomery. I could lose everything today.

"Apparently not."

"You don't want anyone else to know just yet?"

"Like who?"

"Karev – He seemed to doing a good job in that area when I was there."

"No. Nooo. Not with our history."

"Bailey? She wouldn't ask questions, she wouldn't tell anyone."

I think about it for a moment before imagining Bailey all 'What did you do?' in a very Bailey way. She doesn't do personal. Although she has Tucker so she knows what it was like to have a baby. She'd be comforting. She's a good doctor and a great surgeon. She's also really busy.

"No."

"Fine." She sounds exasperated. "Can you read an ultrasound?"

"Yeah." Seriously Addison?

"Ok, well you need to look for three things…"

* * *

"Yang. With me now." I bark out. Karev, Grey and Yang look up immediately, startled by my tone. Good.

She doesn't even ask any questions when I turn and walk away. She just follows. Huh. Feel the power Calliope. This is what a Harper Avery feels like. I'm going to enjoy this. We are walking for a good thirty seconds before she has enough courage to speak. Go me.

"What are we doing?"

"We are making sure that my patient isn't miscarrying."

"You're patient? Since when do you have - Oh – do you have a trauma?"

I roll my eyes at the way her eyes light up with excitement. You'd think that she actually likes people getting injured. Wait. She does. She'll just have to deal.

"No I've-"

"Calliope! Finally." She smiles at me and practically runs (heeley's really fast?) in my direction. Oh great. Just when I don't want her to show up… Cristina's body tenses and she crosses her arms.

"Cristina don't."

Arizona looks between the two of us and her and I both watch as Cristina's posture returns to normal once I shake my head at the resident. I don't know where this protective Cristina came from. Trying to defend me from Arizona? As much as I appreciate the gesture, Arizona would kick her ass without even trying.

"Cristina, I don't need your help anymore, at least I don't think I do."

"What about your patient?"

"I…I think Arizona would be better to help."

"Whatever." She storms off.

"What's that about?"

"Umm…" I gulp. I don't even know what she wants to talk to me about. I have no idea if she even wants to be around me. "I need your help… on an ultrasound."

"Ok, how old is the patient? What are we looking for?"

"33. Miscarriage." I watch her face as realization dawns she looks at me.

"Are you ok? Are you experiencing pain?"

"Calm down, I need you to be calm. Quite honestly I am freaking out here and I need someone else to be calm. Addison said that it was probably not a miscarriage but she wants me to get an ultrasound and get the baby checked." She nods looking a little less crazy. She grabs my hand and drags me to a consult room.

"This is going to be cold. But you know that, so… deal." She smiles at me. She's trying to get me to stress less. Admittedly I've calmed down a little, knowing that she's ok to be in the same room as me. It's a start.

The screen comes to life and my eyes are suddenly glued to the screen. This is going to be the first time I see my baby. It might also be the last. Fuck. Again I feel the tears well up in my eyes. My thoughts are a million miles an hour.

I feel Arizona's free hand intertwine with mine and give my hand a squeeze. She looks at the screen and then releases my hand to point out what I can see for myself.

"There's your baby." She looks over at me and smiles reassuringly. She turns back to the screen. "That is the heartbeat." She takes a longer look at the screen and her eyes start to gloss over.

"What's the matter? Is something wrong with him?"

"Him? Calliope really?" She smiles at me and raises her eyebrow. Whoops.

"The baby. Is something wrong with the baby?"

"No. Why would you think…?"

"Your eyes. They say a lot." She blushes a little and looks at her shoes. She's embarrassed? I don't understand.

"The baby is fine. Heart beats strong. Within normal ranges. Normal is above 150 and it is 163. Baby looks nice and relaxed."

"So I'm not losing the baby?"

"It certainly doesn't look in any distress, which is great. I think you should get your OB to take a look at least in the next couple of days. Here I'll print a picture."

"Would you recommend any OB's?"

"Calliope! The baby is what? 11 weeks, 12 weeks? You haven't had a check-up?"

"I've been waiting to get into the second trimester before I tell everyone. I mean if _you_ thought I slept with Mark, then, what chance do I have of everyone else? More whispers and more gossip. I just wanted to avoid it all. "

"I'm sorry. About my reaction."

"It's ok, it's a natural reaction. Usually pregnancy is not planned in a 33 years old single woman. That's what I'm saying… it's natural for everyone to questioning. I mean I can't imagine that you'll escape the gossip either. I'm sorry for that."

"It doesn't matter what they say, because we both know the truth. Your friends will know the truth. We can deal with this."

"We? As in you and me?" She nods.

"Cal, I have done these scans a million times. I don't even have any real attachment to it. I know that parents see this thing smaller than the size of most cell phones, and they fall in love with this alien looking thing on a screen, but that was your baby. Yours. I love you. All of you. You're bad habits, your flaws, your goodness and your beauty, I love it all. This baby is part of you. I may not be thrilled at the prospect of midnight feeds and diaper changing, but I love you. All of you. That includes him." She holds up the photo and then realizes what she has just said and rolls her eyes. "Or her."

I blink a couple of times. My right hand reaches over to my left arm and pinches as hard as I can.

"Ow." Nope. Not a dream.

Arizona, who had turned around to pack up the ultrasound machine, stops in her tracks and rushes back to my bedside and looks at me.

"What? What happened?" I chuckle, which soon turns into a laugh. She just looks at me. My hand snakes around her neck and pulls her down to me.

"I love you." I look at her and take in every inch of her face. She looks tired, which I am most probably responsible for. My lips only brush hers initially, and then they come back to taste the cherry lip gloss that I love. She rubs my bottom lip with her very tip tongue. She knows exactly what her light touch does to me. It gets her exactly what she wants. She leans into me, forcing me to lie back against the bed I'm on and I cannot comprehend how I'm going to go back to work after this. Just this is making me dizzy, if her hands begin to wander even in the slightest… It's been three long months since the best sex of my life. Don't judge.

A pager interrupts the moment and I guess I won't have to worry about what happens when her hands wander. I grunt when I can tell it's mine.

"Ew." She sounds like her patients.

"What?"

"I got the gel all over my scrubs. Gross." We look at each other and smile. We are going to be ok. "Go, I'll clean up here."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, go unbreak some bones." Before I leave, I kiss her again, just a quick kiss, just like it is habit. Our eyes don't leave each other's until I'm almost out the door.

"Calliope?"

"Yeah?"

"Congratulations… on the baby and on the Harper Avery."

I smile and leave the room. Yep today is great.

* * *

"Mark!"

"Torres?"

"I need to talk to you about something."

"It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact I saw you and Blondie run off to consult room would it?" He raises his eyebrows suggestively. I decided to play along.

"Actually that is what I want to talk to you about."

"Do go on." He actually thinks I'd tell him that. What a total perv.

"I'm pregnant you pervert." I slap his shoulder.

"Pregnant."

"Yep. Bun in the oven and all that."

"How?"

I laugh. He looks VERY confused.

"Oh come on, I was with Addison for two weeks."

"Three months ago? You've known for three months?"

"I have and now that the chances of anything going wrong have lessened, I can tell people. Here I am, telling you."

"You and Arizona are having a baby?"

Well that's quite the question. I am having a baby and Arizona is my girlfriend/partner/something. Does she want to be the baby's Mom, or does she was to have it so that it's like she's dating a single Mom? Does she want to be part of the decisions or she's just here for me?

Huh.

I'm confused. She said she loved me and by extension the baby, but what does that translate into exactly.

Mark is starting to look at me funny.

"Yeah, me and Arizona." I try to smile, but I can't. How 'In' this is she going to be? Is she going to want to pick out nursery colors? Is she going to pick who the Godparents are? Is she all in?

"What's up Callie?"

"I'm just nervous about the meeting with Jennings. He's an ass."

"You'll be fine." He really does look exhausted. "So does Papa Torres know about little Torres yet?"

Oh. Crap. Thank You Mark Sloan.

"No, not yet. I'm going to give it a little time." He's going to have a coronary. His little girl pregnant and not married. Not that Arizona and I can get married, but legally we aren't… anything. We don't live together. We don't have any legal ties whatsoever. I mean the extent of our legal life together is that she is my in case of emergency contact. That is it.

Oh that will be a very fun phone call. I better buy a house before that. And a crib. And all the other stuff I'll need. And move some money to a different account. Maybe just move it all. Maybe if I move across the other side of the world… Ooo Australia! It always looks nice in pictures. I could live near the beach somewhere I'll never have to worry about- Stop panicking. He's going to be ok. He's going to love the baby. He wanted grandchildren. Particularly since neither Aria nor Orion seem to be focused on producing any heirs.

It's going to be OK Calliope.

* * *

There is going to be a press conference. There is going to be questions and there is going to be a presentation by me. Which will be a disaster. I did the most mature thing I could think of and I stormed out, running to the nearest on-call room to cry and hide. Well at least I managed to refrain from saying 'rue'. That's something.

I hear the door click open and then click closed. The lock clicks soon after. I know who it is before she speaks. Before I hear the footsteps. Before I can even smell her. I just know.

She sits on the bed, takes her shoes off and then lies next to me. She pulls up close to my back, putting her chin on the crook of my neck. She puts one of her arms around my waist, with her hand sitting on my stomach.

"I heard about the conference." I don't respond verbally. I move my hand to cover hers, holding on to it, like I'll never let go. "We'll get through it. You learnt a lot about speaking at the lectures."

"Why couldn't Bailey have won the award. Or You? You are both great surgeons and either of you would be able to handle this."

"Calliope do you know much about this award?"

"Not a lot really."

I feel her smile behind me.

"Do you know that the last woman to have won the award was in 1984 when Ellis Grey won the award for the second time? That she was the second woman to have won the award?"

"No."

"Do you know that you are the only person who has been openly gay to receive the award?"

"No."

"Do you know that I was nominated for the award three years ago?"

What?

"What?"

I feel her laugh against my back and I turn around, despite the fact I probably look hideous, with my make-up running everywhere.

"We have to fight so hard as women sometimes. There are times when we have to have twice the research. When we have to have twice the results. When we have to work twice as hard. My work was never going to win me an award, but others have deserved it. In the last two years, you have worked so hard and pushed the boundaries, and I don't just mean here at the hospital. You've fought to be you. And by doing that you've made break-through after break-through. We'll work on the presentation. We'll work on your nerves. But you _need_ to do this. It's important."

I guess I've never really thought about it. I guess the program here is an exception to the rule. According to an article in an AAOS journal that I read a while ago, thirty-five percent of residents all across this country are female. Ten percent of all orthopedic residents are women.

Only two other women have won the Harper Avery in its 35 year history?

Trust this woman in front of me to knock some sense into me.

Her hand is drawing circles on my hip and my focus on anything but her is lost. She has her dimples out and I know her intentions are anything but honorable. She leans into me and kisses me hard. Biting at my bottom lip and soothing it with her tongue. Before I know it she's straddling me and my hands are lifting her scrub top above her head. She pulls mine off too. She leans back into me. Her lips come back on to mine. The feeling of her silky skin against mine is pure ecstasy. She manages to unclasp my bra before throwing it away. My hands follow her spine down to her ass, which I grab and pull her into my body. She pulls back and smiles evilly. She leans back down inch from my lips. I lean up to meet hers and she backs away. I smile and bite my lip. She inches a little closer and again I rise to meet her lips and she pulls away just before I make contact. She giggles as I groan.

She starts to lean back into me, but not to my lips. She makes her way down to my left nipple, where she lays the lightest wet kiss on it, before blowing it with her warm breath. She then does the same to my right. I swear it's enough that my brain is ready to shut down. Two can play that game Miss Robbins.

I grab her bra and get rid of it as fast as I can before flipping her over and trapping her to the bed, grabbing her wrists and pinning them above her head with one hand to ensure that she is forced to endure the teasing I have for her.

I start at her navel, hovering my face close enough for her to feel the warmth radiating from my skin and my breath, but not close enough to be considered a touch. I slowly make my way up her body, breathing harder in spots where I know she loves me to kiss or bite, but I don't touch her, I just look into her eyes. I watch them widen and close, always returning to my own. I reach her breasts and realize that this teasing thing isn't working out so well for me. My need to touch her and taste her is overriding my want of retribution. I crash my lips into her left breast and nip at it before flicking it with my tongue. My free hand has gone from helping to keep me steady to pinching her right nipple. I feel in total control until I feel her thigh is raised to meet my core. My head shoots up to look at her and she has an innocent smile on her face. I suddenly need both arms to support me and without realizing it, I let her wrists go.

She knew exactly what she was doing, because I'm now on my back again, minus my scrub pants, with her lips on mine and her hands roaming my slightly swollen stomach. Teasing me by drawing patterns that continually get lower and lower, closer and closer to where it's becoming increasingly obvious I need her. Her lips pull away from mine and I feel her fingers hook under my panties and she slowly pulls them down my legs, letting the lace brush against my skin, leaving goose bumps in their wake. Again the item of clothing gets thrown carelessly away, she follows my legs back up with her hands. I realize that at my knees she starts to slow the journey. Her face is suddenly adorned with a teasing smirk.

If I wasn't so out of mind with want I would definitely give her something to smirk about, but it's been months since I've had her touch me like this and there is no way I'm not cherishing every second. Her fingers eventually find their way to my centre and she teases with one finger following my folds. It works to because I feel my breath catch. I feel it catch again when her tongue makes contact with my clit and the whole world around me stops.

At some point she replaces her tongue with fingers and her lips find their place on mine. I know I should try and make this about us, but she's got me where she wants me, and it's a place where the only thing I can do is tangle my hands in her hair and try and keep eye contact with her.

My next conscious thought is minutes or hours later as I feel my body tremble involuntarily. I feel her fingers pumping in and out of me, her hips creating more pressure and friction. I feel myself heading toward oblivion. She whispers 'I love you' and I feel my release envelope me completely.

* * *

Today has been quite fickle. This morning I assumed Arizona was avoiding me, then, we ended up having lots and lots of hot, hot sex. I thought I was losing the baby, Arizona was there and she told me that I'm not, and I was able to see him and now am totally in love with hi- with it. Arizona managed to stop me from freaking out about the conference. Hmmm. I'm noticing a pattern here. She makes my world a better place. But there are still so many question marks about what we are, about what she wants. I don't want to force her into endless discussion over names and houses if she's not ready for it yet. The only problem is how do I know she is ready?


	8. Chapter 8

**AN - **The first two parts are in the week following the previous chapter. Then it starts to skip forward, quickly.

* * *

**ARIZONA'S POV**

She doesn't look half as terrified as she did last time. Her voice is controlled. Her body language is a bit nervous, but she looks fantastic. Her dress is loose fitting, but I can tell the baby bump is there. I mean, I've seen her naked enough times in the last week to know exactly what is under that dress. What a week it's been. After the ultrasound and the incredible make-up sex, we saw a friend of mine, a GYN/OB, Dr Howard. It was confirmed that the baby was safe and healthy, and the pregnancy was progressing as it should. To the relief of both of us.

I'm surprised that I have only heard a few whispers around the corridors. When I first came to Seattle Grace, everywhere I turned I heard about Dr Callie Torres, and now, not as much. Probably because I am involved. Calliope was right the assumptions would be that she'd slept with Mark. People around here are not stupid. They may be mean, but they are not stupid. Calliope and I weren't together for what? Three months? I wasn't even around her for her birthday – they had to know we weren't together. So of course the rumors are that she's pregnant with Mark Sloan's love child, as well as about 5 other doctors' love child. But she handled it really well. She knew that they were going to say things. And now she's standing proud. On stage. Almost completely rid of her stage fright.

The award really helped her see that she was an asset to this hospital, not that she didn't know. Telling a Chief of Surgery that you are a rock star isn't really something you do unless you are pretty confident in your abilities, but I get the feeling that she's always felt inferior to Miranda Bailey, professionally. She always seemed to be in awe, to let her lead, but watching them work together on the presentation this last week, I get the feeling that Calliope has made peace with that.

I look over and Derek has checked his watch for the fifteenth time in four minutes. He's anxious because the rankings come out today and he wants the press gone before they get released.

My girlfriend finishes her speech and the applauding begins, she looks over at me and beams. It's then I feel that we are amazing together and nothing can stop us. I haven't felt this good in months. Even the idea of having a baby isn't that scary anymore. It _is_ scary, but not as scary as it would be if that beautiful woman on stage was not in my life.

* * *

So Bailey is at the computer pressing the F5 key at 10 second intervals. I'm sitting a little away from the commotion and Calliope is in front of me stretching out in the only desk chair, while everyone is crowded around the computer that Miranda Bailey is almost certainly going to overwork any second now. I am focusing on the computer screen and when I feel a foot rub the inside of my calf, I brace myself to maintain composure. What makes it worse is that she has the heels on from this morning's presentation. They make her look that much sexier. I glance at her briefly and she has an evil glint in her eye. I am so torn, on one hand I have my hot hot girlfriend who I want to drag off to an on call room, while I also want to hear the rankings to see how the promotions of Miranda Bailey, My sexy girlfriend and I have affected the rankings of this hospital. Let alone how the Harper Avery that now resides in Cristina's room has affected our number.

Tough decision.

As Calliope is about to shut the door of the on call room (by pushing me against it), I hear Miranda yell out

"We're number 2!" And that is where all my coherent thoughts end.

* * *

I'm sitting here in silence. I want to ask her to move in with me. I want something a little bit more permanent. I don't know if I can. I don't know if she wants to live together. I don't know she wants me to be involved totally in her baby's life.

We had a discussion, or rather Calliope had a discussion with Cristina. Cristina wanted to know when she needed to get a new roommate. Calliope said she would let her know and give her enough time to find someone. She said that she was planning to get a house. I can only wonder what 'get' a house means. I sit here frozen in place, beside my sleeping girlfriend what exactly 'get' entails. Does it mean that she and I go and buy a house? Does it mean that she and I go rent a house? Does it mean that she goes and buys a house? Would I even come along to look? Would I be staying in said house? So many questions that I am scared of answers. I mean here we are, 5 months into the pregnancy and I've had none of my questions answered. Not that I have asked any of them out loud. We seem to be ducking and weaving the serious topics. But we need to talk about them. I'm sure we will soon.

"Go to sleep Arizona."

Apparently she's my not so sleeping girlfriend.

* * *

I should have got the lasagna. I really should have picked the lasagna. Every time I go passed the lasagna, I know that I shouldn't, because now I'm stuck with some sort of salad thing that just makes me… well sad. I see Calliope sitting at a table reading. As I sit down, I notice what the book is. A baby name book. That makes me even sadder. I don't know if I get to weigh in on this issue or not.

It's just over three months to go and we are still tiptoeing around all the important issues. All of them. There's been no talk about houses, about names and any important stuff and I feel we kinda need to be moving on. We need to be making all these decisions, or at least she needs to be making them and letting me know what they are. It's amazing how talented we are at avoiding each other. If we don't physically avoid, we emotionally avoid and we do it with just as much ease. It probably comes from the three weeks we managed to extend the baby-talk.

I sit down next to her and she looks up from the book and smiles at me.

"Hey Ari."

She goes back to reading the book. I look up to see Mark, Derek, Owen, Meredith and Cristina come walking our way. Cristina is the first to speak.

"Baby names? Really. I have to sit and eat across from this."

"No you don't. You were the one that sat in front of _me_." She doesn't even take her eyes off the book.

"Torres, getting to the business end huh? What names do you have?" Derek smiles at us both. I blush to think we haven't even talked about it slightly.

"Well if it's a boy, he's easy because it's a family name, but if it's a girl…" She makes the 'it's going to be crazy' face. Her comment makes me a little sad, even though rationally I never thought I was going to have kids, I irrationally thought that if I did ever, one day in the far-far future, decide to have kids my first born son would be named after his uncle and grandfather. "What do you think of Emily? Or Jessica? Or Sarah?" She looks at me and I stare back at her like she's got two heads. "Or I can put the book away." She closes it and puts it beside her tray. She looks a little hurt. I suddenly see that she's concerned about the size of my role, just as I am. Not wanting to bring it to the attention of everyone else, I grab her hand under the table. She looks at me again.

"You think our baby deserves a nice easy name compared to ours, huh?"

I see her expression brighten. Not just a smile, but it's the happiest face I've seen on her in a long while and I realize that it's the first time I've ever said 'our baby'. I smile back at her.

"Yeah, well I figure my whole family is full of Greek mythology I saw what crap we got at school. I imagine Arizona wasn't easy to live with so… something simple. Something easy. You know?"

"I agree."

Cristina ruins the moment with some comment in which the word McVomit was used. Thank you Cristina.

"So what's the boy's name going to be?" Mark asks "You going to have a baby Carlos?"

"Um…" She looks at me, unsure. I don't why she's looking at me like that. Calliope you are the one that knows the names not me. "I thought that we would name him Daniel." Her eyes don't leave mine at all. I can feel my tears rising and I have to get away from the six pair of eyes that are now upon me. I get up abruptly and enter the nearest on-call room I find. I don't know why this is my reaction. I want this, I just. Calliope wants this too and it makes me happy. And so I can't understand why I am standing here crying.

The door opens she doesn't even close the door before she starts speaking.

"We don't have to name him that. I just, I know how much your brother means to you and your father is such a great man too. I thought that you would want to, but we don't have to."

"I would like it a lot." I look into her eyes and relief floods her features. "We haven't talked about a lot of things. We haven't talked about a house, or whether we are going to move in together, or whether I'm going to adopt him or… we haven't talked and I thought maybe you thought because I didn't want kids that I wouldn't want to do this stuff and be a part of it, and then in just the name you've included me so wholly I just, I'm overwhelmed."

"I know we haven't talked about it, because I didn't know how to bring it up, and I didn't want to saddle you with any burden that you may not want, but you said 'Our baby' and… I want you to be his Mom too. I want you to be his Second Parent. If you want to, I mean, you have three months to think about it...well then I guess, you'll have eighteen years to think about it after that."

"Yes I do. Want to. I think we should move somewhere. Like a house. Together. And I think we should look at becoming more permanent. And I think there is a lot we need to talk about. Actually talk. And talk it to death, because, I seem to have this problem with calling things wrong."

She smiles at the reference. Her phone starts to ring.

"Daddy. I'm great, how are you? Seattle. Really?" I see the color start to drain from her face.

"I'm kind of busy. Lot of Surgery." I see her forehead breakout with sweat. And I'm starting to feel my palms sweat too. Neither of us has told our parents. I think we were waiting for this conversation. Now that it's happened… it seems a little too late to be telling them. Mr. Torres is going to be so mad. His daughter is six months into her pregnancy and he has no idea. Calliope talks to him every Sunday. I've even spoken to him a couple of times. He's going to kill us both.

"She's great too. Busy as well. Talk to the chief? No, really you don't have to do that. Really. I'm sure we can get an hour to fit you in. Dinner? Sounds… great. Thanks. Bye." She hangs up and I already know what she is going to say to me. I already know how this conversation is going to end.

"We are having Dinner with my father tonight. And my mother."

Apparently I didn't. My eyes become unfocused. I have met her father on several occasions. The first two weren't so great, but after that. He's a nice guy. He loves his family and would do anything for them, so we have a lot in common. Her Mom. Never met her. The prospect of meeting her is scary. Now that her daughter is six months pregnant, with a very, very obvious baby bump… Terrifying doesn't even cut it.

"Y-Your Mom?" I look at her, with the terror I feel. Her expression isn't comforting. She looks like she's freaking out.

"Yeah. How am I going to tell them?"

It's all I can do, but laugh at her. Tell them? They'll take one look.

"Cal, you don't even need one word. They'll know as soon as we enter the same room as them."

"Crap." She sits on the bed.

"Yep." I move to sit behind her. It's the only way we've been able to cuddle lately and while I miss having her arms around me, having her against me is still comfort enough. My hands make their way to her baby belly. "We are going to be ok. They will be shocked and they might even be a little angry, but they want this. They want a grandchild. So even if dinner tonight doesn't go well, they'll be there tomorrow, or the next day, because they love you and they love this baby."

I feel a flutter under my hand. I look around to see Calliope's face, which is suddenly lit up.

"Was that?" She nods. I've just met our baby, he's in there and he's made himself known. "See even he – even our baby – thinks it'll be ok." I've got to stop doing that. We don't know the sex and Callie doesn't want to find out, and I don't mind either way. We secretly – or apparently, not so secretly – think it will be a boy.

"You really want him to be ours? Midnight feeds, diaper changes and all?" There it is again. Him. Too bad if it's really a girl, because we will have spent 6 months calling her a him.

"Really. We are in this together. We'll go tonight, and we'll face your parents. No matter how it goes, we'll come home and we'll take a bath, and we'll to sleep and then we'll wake up tomorrow." Wow I sound like I know what I'm saying. I sound like I am not freaking out about meeting Mrs. Torres. I am awesome sometimes.

* * *

I'd only been for a short run to get rid of my nervous energy, but by the time I got back to the apartment, there were shirts, t-shirts and dresses everywhere. I watched her for a few minutes before making my presence known. I could tell she has been trying to find a top that doesn't look like she's pregnant. She's been through all of them.

"Cal, I don't think that a top is really going to do that much to hide it."

"There has to be something I can do. They are going to be so mad."

"You can tell them the truth."

"What? That I was an idiot and went and got impregnated by some guy with blonde hair and blue eyes so I could have your baby without actually having your-" She stops in her tracks and realizes what she just said.

Like I say, we haven't discussed much about the pregnancy, tiptoeing around it with great precision. I'm a little shocked. She's a little shocked. What do I say to that? Is this a discussion I need to engage in right now? Or is it a discussion I need to leave?

"Um. " Wow. My powers of speech are astounding. I am so awesome sometimes.

"I didn't realize what I was doing –"

"It's ok Calliope, we can talk about it lat-"

"No. Not I didn't realize what I was saying." She pauses and looks into my eyes. "When I went and picked a donor. I didn't know what I was doing it. Addison tried to tell me that I was trying to hold on to you. We spent days and days looking at donors. I spent days looking for a profile that would fit you. I didn't realize. He has dimples. Like you. He hates rain. Like you. He runs marathons. Like you."

I still don't know what I'm supposed to say to that. She called herself an idiot though? That confused me.

"What's wrong?" Obviously I've got my confused face on.

"You called yourself an idiot… You want this baby right?" She chuckles a little and then put her arms around me and pulls me as close to her as she can with the baby bump in the way.

"I'm an idiot, because instead of making this decision with you, I spent three days on a beach, deciding which donor was most likely to help make the little boy I'd been seeing in my dreams for the past couple of months. I sat on a beach for three days trying to make a decision, telling myself that it had nothing to do with you, all the while trying to find the male version of you. I'm an idiot because I didn't fight for you. I didn't wait for you. I just let you walk out of my apartment without any real discussion whatsoever, and then started to pretend I was moving on. I'm an idiot for thinking I could live without you, that I could do this without you."

Wow, she's really getting good at this speech thing. First with the 'I'll wait for never to pass' speech, which even though my mind was clouded by the haze of sleep and her kisses, I still remember every word. Now this.

"Well then I'm an idiot too." She looks at me, confused. "Because I thought I could live without you too. But that's not how it's meant to be. This is how it's meant to be. You, me and the baby. Us. Now, we are _not_ going to tell your Mom and Dad that both you and I are idiots. We _are_ going to tell them that, he – or she is healthy, that I am going to adopt the baby once it arrives, that we are eventually going to get house, and that we are sorry for not telling them sooner. If that's not enough for them, then we'll deal with it then. OK?"

* * *

We walk into the restaurant and the bad memories of this place immediately come to mind. I remember the night that was supposed to be 'our night' Calliope pushing around the leaves of a salad on her plate for the better half of the meal, and the other half I thought she had spent dreaming about being anywhere but with me. At that stage of our relationship, I was really excited to have a nice romantic dinner for two at an expensive restaurant and I was so hurt when I spent the date just trying to get her attention. I hadn't thought about the full repercussions of the loss of a trust fund.

I feel a squeeze of my hand and I look at her smiling. I'm meant to be reassuring _her_. Not the other way around. I smile back.

We are led over to the table, where Mr. and Mrs. Torres are seated. We watch in silence as their eyes go wide. Secrets out. They sit there stunned into submission. Calliope leans over and whispers

"At least they're not yelling." I can hear the mirth in her voice. I almost let out a giggle. We are going to be ok.

"Mr. Torres, it's great to see you again. Mrs. Torres it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Calliope Iphigenia Torres!" We wait for something else. Her mother is blinking. And blinking some more. Is she? I look at my girlfriend and mouth 'Is she crying?' She nods.

"Mom? Are you ok. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I've just-"

"Stop." Wow in one word I've never been so scared in all my life. Ever. Even that time when Danny and I got caught looking through an old chest my Dad had declared out of bounds. It had all his medals and lots of photos and general military stuff. My father came in and said 'Arizona' and I feared for my life. But with this 'Stop.' I fear for my whole world. Instead of looking at her mother, I pull out the chair for Calliope to sit in front of her mother and then I take my seat next to her, across from her father. I immediately take her hand.

"This is new." Her father says and I feel inclined to giggle.

Nope, not really new. Isn't that problem?

Mr. Torres laughs and Calliope looks over to me with an 'I'm-trying-not-to-laugh-I-think-it's-funny-but-why-would-you-say-that?' face, I realize that I said that out loud. I am horrified. Her mother is probably thinking how insensitive I am. Great first impression, even better second impression.

"It is wonderful news just the same." Her mother's voice has calmed and she has a smile on her face. "When did this... how did this...?" She looks at Calliope suspiciously.

"It was planned." I felt the need to jump in and then I suddenly am very aware of the statements I can't make. We chose, we decided, we anything.

"It was time, and so now we are having a baby. The donor was selected in April, when I was in California." I don't know how she did it, but she manages to avoid any of our back story. Any of it that would mean her father would throw me against a wall.

"You sounded so sad during those weeks Mija, we thought you had broken up."

"Well... we are here right in front of you as happy and together as can be." She must have had to weasel out of so much as a teen, because clearly she's good at misleading her parents. I hope she never uses it on me. I hope our child never uses it on us.

"So Arizona, you are a paediatric surgeon?"

"Yes, Ma'am." I can hear the laughter of both the mother and the daughter.

"It's Maria, please."

Conversation seems to flow really easily between the four of us. And I'm seeing a lot of similarities between Calliope and her mother. I'm a little surprised that Mrs. Torres is being so pleasant to me. I know that Calliope's family has come to terms with us, but now with the added detail of a very pregnant daughter, I would have thought I'd have to put up more of a fight.

I excuse myself and head to ladies room. Once I exit the stall I notice Mrs. Torres sitting on the couches, she stands when she notices that I have come out of the stall. She walks toward me and I feel that I am about to get the disapproval I've been waiting for all night.

"You know, before she left for Medical School, Calliope was dating a very well off business man." Oh here it comes. "She was so happy, I had not seen her so happy in all of her life. He wanted her to stay in Florida, to not worry her pretty little head about anything."

It takes all my effort not to roll my eyes.

"Safe to say that Callie did head off to Medical School and left the jerk behind. While I didn't like him very much, he made my daughter very happy so I stayed back and let her be." Oh great. She doesn't like me, but she's going to let Calliope be with me. Terrific. "You seem to challenge her. You seem to make her want to be better. I know she's happier than I have _ever _seen her in her life. And I think I like you, so... Look after my daughter."

I nod and she heads into one of the stalls, and I return to the table. I grab my beautiful girlfriend's hand. She looks questioningly at me, obviously aware that her mother and I were alone in a bathroom together. I smile and squeeze her hand.

It's all going to be ok.


	9. Chapter 9

AN - Fluff galore. Second to last chapter. Enjoy.

Oh and a warning, I attack the post it note wedding. Some people say that it was a statement. Callie's feelings = My feelings. I admit I did get carried away.

* * *

**Callie's POV**

Everything is not ok.

I'm freaking out again. It all started with all the parent crap.

We told my parents and they were fine, eventually after staring at me for the first half and hour. My Mom actually loves Arizona. I know she probably didn't tell her that, but I could tell. I was a bit concerned after my Mom followed Ari to the bathroom, I didn't know what she would have to say. I was concerned but when Arizona came back I knew that my Mom hadn't tried to scare her off. So when I broke away from a farewell hug with my Mom, I wasn't even slightly surprised when she whispered 'she's a keeper.' I knew that already, but the fact that my mother knows too is pretty great.

It was a little more awkward telling Arizona's parents. We flew out for the weekend. I hadn't seen her home. I'd been to DC to meet her parents, but before her father got hit by a car, she hadn't been _home_ home since her brother had been KIA. Seeing her room, with the infamous Cindy Crawford poster and funnily enough, a picture of a car remarkably similar to my own… it was just another layer of Arizona I fell in love with.

The whole telling the parents thing – not such a joyous experience, because they knew we had broken up. They knew the timeline and they can count. They knew that this baby was not conceived while we together. They knew and they asked questions. Arizona's directness so clearly comes from her mother, but her mother doesn't seems to have the tact filter that Arizona does. Her father was a little nicer about it, while still not particularly happy. Not that I deserved nice. To them I could have slept with a million guys and then come back to their daughter, so I could deal with the questions, because quite honestly I was prepared for them to hate me.

After a long conversation with them, which basically consisted of Arizona defending both my virtue and then my impulsiveness, they both came around. Mrs. Robbins was a little less receptive but Arizona's father seemed rather pleased. He makes no secret that she's his little girl.

It's funny, before I met Arizona's parents I always assumed that Arizona got the McDreamy 2.0 thing from her Mom. The combination of her dimples, her attitude, her compassion and her eyes. I couldn't have been more wrong. It comes from her father. Admittedly most everything else she gets from her Mom, but those four things that make Arizona so… _Arizona_, come from her father. He is such a gentleman and it is hard to think that he served overseas in actual conflict, in actual warzones. It makes me think that maybe George would have made the difference he had wanted to, if he had of had his chance.

Colonel Robbins by the end of the visit was quite enthusiastic about us being back together and having a baby, he did take her aside for a while, at which point I had to try and make polite conversation with a scary Mrs. Robbins. I think I made her opinion on me improve slightly during the trip, but it probably would have been better if we had not shown up with me six and a half months pregnant. She just wants her daughter looked after and I understand that.

And it is that understanding that had led me to this moment now. To this panicky moment in which I wonder whether I did the right thing or the Calliope thing. The Calliope thing I am referring to is this never ending need I seem to have to jump in head first without even thinking about anything else. With the feeling that I wanted Arizona, and our baby to be looked after, I decided to get papers drawn up. Not Domestic Partnership papers, because that's something we need to discuss with each other and we have to do together, but I got a 'Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care' and also I got a will written up, which is, if I'm honest, what I am really nervous about. It lists her, upon my death, as this baby's legally recognized parent. I shouldn't be so concerned – she was the one that said our baby, but it does concern me. It does.

I've had the papers for weeks now. So many weeks that it's soon going to turn into months. I know that she said she wanted to go more permanent – that's fine. We can go to the lawyers together and do that and at the same time we can arrange for the Second Parent adoption thing, but these papers… I know she says she wants this baby. But so far, she wants the baby with me. I have to make sure my baby is taken care of in this world and she's the one that is going to have to do it and I'm not sure if that's what she wants.

We use to be so good at communication and now? I can't even tell her that I had some papers drawn up.

"Callie you're staring into space." I turn around to see Meredith Grey behind me, looking a little concerned.

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"Arizona wanted me to tell you that her Surgery on the Maclean kid is going to take longer than expected."

"Oh ok. Does it look good?"

"No, she's trying hard… We've done all we can on the neuro side, the rest is up to her and the rest of his body."

I nod knowing her tone, knowing that tonight is not going to be suitable for the big talk I had planned. Then the baby suddenly moves and gets one of my internal organs, I'm not sure which one I just know that it's really not the best feeling in the world.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just uncomfortable. It happens a lot these days."

"So not long now?"

"If I had a dollar for everyone who said that... Yeah tomorrow's my last day, not that your post-it note husband has let me in on any surgeries lately."

"My post-it note husband is now obsessed with babies thanks to you two."

"My post-it note wife is certainly not helping, I imagine."

Her head shoots up and she looks at me in question.

"Sorry it's a bad joke. I shouldn't make fun of your post-it, it's just… everything is so easy for you guys. You have this relationship that is strong, and you can get married, when you do think about having babies Derek is assumed to be the father… It would be nice to have that. It would be nice to not have to file for a domestic partnership, to not have to sign up for registers, to not have to change my will so that my girlfriend will get sole custody of her own child, should I die. To not have our life looked over with a fine tooth comb, just so that she can be legally called a parent to her own child. It would be nice."

"I hadn't really thought. I mean Derek and I-" She sounds apologetic.

"It's really ok, I'm just grumpy and I have been thinking too much. Sorry for snapping – It's just you guys can get married and you've settled on a bright blue post-it, while some states in this country actually _ban_ me and the love of my life from getting married and now I'm rambling, sorry Meredith."

She looks at me a little stunned for a minute and nods, before walking away.

I decide that the best place to wait for my girlfriend is the lounge in her office. I can't possibly offend anyone, if there is no one around to offend.

It's not her fault, or his. I know that they didn't do the post-it wedding for anyone but themselves, but their post note feels like a slap in the face. Arizona and I, under the current laws cannot get married in this state. We can get a domestic partnership that is almost the same as a marriage, but apparently we aren't allowed to use the word 'marry' or 'wife' because apparently they don't think a woman who loves a woman or a man who loves a man is good enough to get married or have a husband or a wife, but they are fine with us having 'partners'. We could get married in DC, which is home for her, but it wouldn't be recognized here. Or back in Florida and that, well, sucks. It is what it is though and it's something that we will just have to deal with, like everything else. With that thought I let out a large sigh.

"Hey, you OK?"

I sit up when I hear her voice. She sounds cheerful and not what I am expecting from her. She must have worked another miracle. I look over at her and she's looking at me with concern, obviously I have the disappointment of my inner monologue written all over my face.

"I need to talk to you about something that I've been avoiding for a while."

"What's the matter?"

"I, I spoke to my lawyer, after we got back from DC, he said that there was a couple of things I needed to do, to make sure that the baby doesn't get left as a ward of the state... if anything happens to me. And to make sure that you are the one who makes decisions, if something goes wrong and there are decisions to be made."

Here goes nothing

"I know that originally our baby wasn't _our_ baby, and that you were hesitant. But I know that you've seen and felt the baby and I know that you wanted to be part of the naming and I know that whatever we are going to do, we are going to do it together. But that being said I'm still scared that you aren't going to like what I say next."

"What's wrong?"

"I got a Will drawn up, by my lawyer. It says that you get everything in case of my death. That you are to be the legal guardian of our baby. I know that I'm probably stressing about this more than I need to, that this will be dealt with when we get the partnership paperwork written up and when you adopt the baby, but I feel like I've taken the power away from you again, that I have taken the control out of your hands. I just… I needed to get it done and I-"

"Good."

Huh?

"Huh?"

"I said good. I know, like you say, I was hesitant. But we have been talking about it, and I was serious when I said I wanted to make it permanent, I was serious when I said I am in this. We are having a baby and I may have run from it in the past, I may have even looked like I was dragged kicking and screaming into this, but I had demons that I fought to be here. I had fears that I have fought to be here. But _I am_ here, with you. So we." She points between us. "Need to be on the same page. I am here, and I want to be equal in this. I want us to be equal in our decisions, I want us to be partners in everything. Everything."

She sounds a little frustrated by the end of her speech/rant and I can't help but think that I haven't given her enough credit in this.

"Good."

"Good?" She replies.

"Good. We are on the same page."

"Lets go home, and have a bath, I'm exhausted. You must be too."

"Yeah well, you're right. Your kid is practicing their soccer skills on me, and if it is not that, it's wiggling around, it's really starting to get annoying."

"Oh, so now he's my kid?"

"Yeah. Now when _the baby_ is digging _it's_ butt into my bladder, yes, _it's_ going to be your kid. You wanted it to be a partnership." I smile at her and she smiles back. I shouldn't have started saying it was going to be a boy, because Ari picked up on it too and now I have her saying it. I think next week when I get a scan that we should just find out, because really, what does it matter anyway? I don't see the little boy in my dreams anymore, and I still don't mind what we have, so we may as well find out. I look over to her packing up her desk and she has great big black rings under her eyes. The energy completely out of her.

"Ari?"

"Yeah?"

"I'd really like it if we could find out the sex of the baby next week."

"Ok."

"Ari?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

She looks over at me and despite her complete lack of energy she smiles.

"Let's go home."

* * *

"We don't need a spa bath."

"We so do need a spa bath."

She cocks her eyebrow at me in challenge.

"We are going to have this kid who is going to need attention and we are going to still be doctors and we are still going to have us, so we need an area, i.e a spa bath where we can escape to."

"Calliope you used that excuse about the Cinema Room. We can't afford this house."

"We can afford it. We can afford 3 of these houses."

"We've discussed this. Partners. _Equals._ Not, one buys a house and the other one looks pretty."

"Well you really do look pretty." I earned the slap she gives me. "We have discussed this, we've discussed that we are equals and partners and blah, blah, blah. I have money. Lots of money. My money is your money. I know you don't like it and to be honest I'm not too thrilled about it either, but I have money. And this, this would be our perfect family home. Just take money out of the equation. Really take it out. How much do you love this house?" She tries not to smile and I know how much she loves it. I saw the look in her eye as we walked in. I saw her expression when she saw the spa bath. I saw the way her eyes glazed over in the backyard imagining what our child would get up to. I saw the way she stood in the kitchen watching a scene that was happening in her head. She doesn't like to cook – hates it, would be a more accurate description, so I can only assume the warm look in her eye was actually imagining our family here.

"I do love it, but."

"Not to be morbid Arizona, but if I died tomorrow it would be all your money anyway. You say that we are partners, but partners are equal. What's mine _is_ yours. So we can buy, what seems to be an 'Arizona Dream House' or we can look at something smaller and in a neighborhood closer to the hospital, with lots of sirens and trauma's and drama's… it's up to you."

She gives me that look. The one where I know I'm going to win, and she is fighting really hard not to smile.

"We could build a tire swing out the back?"

I smile. Despite the fact we have both seen injuries from such an object, it is one childhood memory we both share.

"We could."

"We could have Christmas here?"

"Not this year, but yes, we could have Christmases and Thanksgivings and Birthdays. Lot of birthdays."

"Are you sure?"

"Very."

"OK."

"OK?"

"OK."

"So this is our family home?"

She her small smile has turned into a bright dimpled smile she laughs.

"Yep, yep… this is where our baby is going to grow up." She puts her arms around me and kisses me. I can't help but think how perfect this moment is.

* * *

"So you do want to know what sex the baby is right, because honestly I don't think I could keep it from you."

We look at each other and then the screen. Well good thing that we decided to find out, because Daniel appears to have inherited my lack of inhibitions, and seems to be very proud of the fact he has Y chromosome. I can't help but laugh. Isaac was right, there was no way of covering this up. I guess we are a little more trained at reading ultrasounds than most. I look over at Arizona and she's staring at the screen biting her lip trying to blink her tears back. She looks incredibly beautiful and happy. I squeeze her hand that is intertwined with my own.

"Ok, so your son has ten fingers, ten toes. His heartbeat is strong. His spine looks good. He looks healthy." I nod – that's all I wanted to hear

"Thank you Isaac."

"No problem Callie, I mean I couldn't refuse the doctor who keeps me in a job, could I? Anyway, when this is done, I'll send it over to Dr. Howard, but she's going to tell you that everything is good with your little boy."

"His name's Daniel."

"Daniel Torres or Daniel Robbins?" He looks between the two of us, eyes sparkling in his cheeky way, knowing that usually it would be something of a competition between the two of us, but this isn't something that we are going to compete over, or fight over or even really discuss in great detail.

"Robbins, thank you very much." I say with very little thought. I see Arizona's head snap around so quick, I'm a little concerned for the safety of her spine.

"Robbins?"

"Well… yeah."

"Well yeah?"

"Don't you want him to be a Robbins?"

"Well… to be honest I don't understand."

I laugh.

"Well, you see I met this great family, called the Robbins', and they are kind and brave and honorable. They are strong and they protect the things they love. And I want our son to be part of that family. I want him to be part of those traditions. That and I've always hated the hyphen thing. I never understood it." I try to get Arizona to laugh what I've said off, but in true Arizona form doesn't let me get away with it so easy.

"So… umm… do you think, that maybe you...would want to be part of that family too?" I look into her eyes and realize what she's asking. It's not about a name or tradition or any of that. It's not about what we can or cannot do legally. We've talked about partnerships and legal things over and over, but this was a completely different level. This was her asking me to be her soul mate, to be the person who will love her forever. Maybe I'm a little closer to understanding the post-it.

"Yes."

Isaac decides to interrupt Arizona's lips devouring my own.

"Well Callie Robbins is certainly better than Callie O'Malley." I can't help but laugh into the kiss. It doesn't take long for Ari to descend into a fit of hysterics.

"What? What's so funny" I don't understand what's so funny. I mean Callie O'Malley, who hasn't heard that a million times?

She shakes her head and continues her laughter fit. I watch her as tears come from her eyes and her face starts to redden she is laughing so much.

"Ari, what?"

"Callie O'Malley, I can't believe I hadn't thought of that!" And she dives back into her fit of laughter. Huh, great.

"Thanks Isaac, I will never hear the end of that."

"No problems Callie." He smiles happily knowing what he's done. "Congratulations by the way."

"Thank you" I beam, this time I am very sincere.


	10. Epilogue

Epilogue

**Title:** Finding – Epilogue

**Author:** wbelisabeth

**Rating:** NC-17 (For chapter 7, the rest is pretty much PG-13)

**Summary:** Things don't just disappear. Inanimate objects. People. Feelings. Pink Elephants. Nothing truly disappears. Not when you want it to.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the copyrighted materials referenced in this fic. I am not making any money out of this it's just for fun. References to any real people, places events etc... are done so in a fictional context only.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed over the last two weeks. I know I promised EPIC, but I also wanted to finish before the episode today, so... I had to compromise a little. I hope you enjoyed it.

* * *

ARIZONA's POV

I drop the phone like it is red hot, like it has burnt my fingers. It hasn't burnt my hand but it has scarred me. I stand in the same spot, looking down our hallway that our children have always filled, now with the both off at College, the emptiness fits.

It's bizarre, but I am not totally surprised.

I remember back to the day that Daniel was born.

I looked down into his eyes and I didn't understand. I didn't understand how my very own eyes can look back at me. I didn't understand how I didn't want him, how I wished him away, how I wished that Calliope was not pregnant. I didn't understand how I couldn't see teaching him about cars, teaching him to how to hit a home run, teaching him about being a gentleman.

I didn't understand that in that moment, with a few blinks from the tiny baby how I could love something so much. He was half Calliope, how could I not fall for him instantly?

But now… I didn't know they were looking and I'm not sure if it's that that hurts me or the other news, but I am hurt just the same.

But how did I not know… of did I already know?

When Daniel was 4 and a half we were outside having a barbeque and Calliope and Daniel were messing around. He ran from her and yelled "Come catch me Mom" as he ran to the tire swing he loved so much. Both Calliope and I stiffened. I had a sense of déjà vu, it wasn't until later that Calliope confessed the same later. She'd seen it before and it was actually what made her decide she was doing the right thing.

Sarah and Daniel were always as thick as thieves. I was happy to have convinced my wife that our children should share the same genes. I guess the fights we had then now make today much more worth it. I have never been so happy to not have given in.

I remember that day when I cursed children, I cursed them for being things that I didn't want. I listed items which I have been able to tick off one by one, and now I can put a final tick on the list. I have never once heard a lie cross the lips of my children. We taught them that even if it was something we didn't like it was better to tell us than not. Admittedly there were times when little white lies came and went, but an out and out lie about something this big, I had not heard cross their lips until today. Or rather I heard their lie, but I was just made aware of it today.

They had said that they didn't want to know. That it was irrelevant. But now? They went by Torres, but it doesn't make it any less obvious, not to me. It's their right to know, but I just wish they hadn't lied about it.

This is a mess, a big weird mess. I feel I should wake up from my dream any second now, with Calliope rubbing my back, telling me that it was just a dream. I remain still. I am still in shock.

But am I really?

The scrapes, the traits, the way he does the uppity thing with his mouth and the way her mind works. It's always been familiar. But how? I mean there was no way of me even conceiving this idea in my head the sheer implausibility of it. This is just so far fetched, but I can't help but think that maybe, on some small level, I did know.

I should be happy. I guess. I should be feeling more connected, but I don't feel much of anything right now, all the different emotions are cancelling each other out.

"Arizona? Are you ok?" She looks at me with those brown eyes and she still takes my breath away, even after 23 years and two kids, her voice is still enough calm me instantly.

She needs to know. I have to tell her.

So I start at the beginning.

* * *

"Am I speaking to Arizona Robbins?"

"Yes, may I ask who is calling?"

"My name is Leon Patterson I'm calling from the California Fertility Clinic. This is rather awkward, and I don't really have a precedence to work with this, so… Ma'am, are you aware that your brother Captain Daniel Robbins used our cryo-bank for storage?"

I blink. Several times.

"No. I was not."

"In 2004 he participated in a program we had for Servicemen. In 2009, when his five year storage plan ran out, we tried to contact your brother. We obviously could not contact him and were led to your parents. They allowed for the sperm to be added to our donations and they elected to be the point of contact. Now I understand this may be difficult, because you may not be aware, but your brother's donation has resulted in two children. They are now both looking to meet their father, obviously that is not possible. Now as I say, we do not have a precedence for this, but if you feel able to meet them, or perhaps to get into contact with them-"

"What are their names?"

Before I was even told, I knew. But I listened anyway.

"Daniel and Sarah Torres. They are brother and sister, aged 21 and 18…"

They gone behind our back they were blatantly hiding what they were doing.

My next thought fill me with horror as I remember Calliope was trying to convince me to have my own brother's baby. The thought makes me sick to the stomach. How did this not come up? I know it had already been organized and she was just… but… I shake the thought from my head. Not wanting to dwell on that idea.

The moment I saw Daniel I knew his eyes were my own. I thought God had granted me a miracle. Maybe this was the miracle?

"Uh Ma'am?"

And that's about all I could take and I proceeded to drop the phone.

* * *

I look over at her, after finishing the story and she is clearly shocked by my revelation.

"Huh."

"You've said that 7 times already Cal."

"I'm just shocked."

"Yeah."

"I can't believe they lied to us about it. I mean, we offered to help them. We said we wanted them to know."

"That's what you're shocked about?"

"Well, I am shocked that your brother is the father of our children." She leans forward in her chair and rubs her face with both hands, a sign I've learnt over the years, means she's more upset about something than she is saying. But I know she's upset. This whole situation is just so unsettling. "I bet you feel vindicated about the whole 'let's keep their biological parents the same' thing… which, I'm not sure about you, but I'm feeling kind of queasy about what I was trying to convince you to do."

I look over at her and give her a smile, letting her know that thought had already crossed my mind.

"As my brothers only living relative, I should contact them. As their mother, I'm thinking the silent treatment."

Calliope laughs at me, knowing full well that it was always a threat I couldn't deliver. The kids both knew how to capitalize on their dimples, particularly Sarah since she had the deadly combination of Calliope's eyes AND dimples. I always struggled to be a disciplinarian, or even to stay mad at them for more than a few minutes. The whole 'Spanish Mama' Ortho surgeon thing was definitely scarier than a Peds surgeon who makes believe and pretends about fairy dust.

"We'll just sit them down and tell them together. Then I will yell at them for the lying."

* * *

Calliope paces back and forward talking to herself in Spanish, in front of the couch, which our son and daughter happen to be sitting on.

I watch their faces as they get more and more terrified. It's the purpose of the Spanish rant. She tried to teach both of them the language and Sarah seemed to pick it up a little better than Daniel did, but neither could really be described anywhere near fluent.

Suddenly she stops pacing. She stops talking and she just moves in front of them.

"You are both adults. You are both entitled to make your own decisions. But I expect better than to be blatantly lied to about your decisions. Your mother and I, we understand that sometimes the truth isn't always what we may want to hear, but we would prefer it to being lied to by the people we most love in this world."

Daniel immediately straightens, willing to defend his sister. Calliope just lifts her hand and motions for him to stop.

"That being said, you wanted to know who your biological father is and I can understand that. You have to understand that I had an option. I could have elected to choose an anonymous donor. I could have decided that you wouldn't know, but I decided that you should have the opportunity, so when you tell me that you want to know where your DNA come from, I will be fine with it."

The both look at her with the same deer in headlight expression we seemed to have mastered in the months leading up to Daniel birth.

"So are you going to tell me?"

"We, uh… how did you know?"

"Are you going tell me and your mother?" I can feel her anger rising.

"We just – we know that you say it's ok, but I didn't really think it would be ok." Daniel stands so that he on an even playing field to his mother. His eyes meet Calliope's. He then looks at his feet. "I'm sorry. It was my idea. We – I – was curious."

Then silence.

I tried not to, I really did, but I can't help but laugh. Not just giggle but all out belly rumble type laugh. I've seen this scene before. I was the one sitting next to my brother watching him confess how it was _his_ idea to play baseball and _he_ hit the home run and _he_ suggested we retrieve the ball and how _he_ suggested we tried the fruit. I've seen this before. I look over at Sarah and I know immediately what she's feeling and, it makes me laugh harder.

Calliope looks over at me and raises an eyebrow. I get up from my own seat and stand side by side with my wife. I really look at my son for the first time since finding out and I look over at my daughter. It doesn't make me feel any different about them.

I still feel the same as I did when Daniel took his first steps, or when Sarah said her first word.

I look over to her and smile.

"Danny used to always defend me just like Daniel just did. And judging by the look on Sarah's face, she feels the same way I used to." I'm not sure if it's the way we bought him up or a direct link to my brother, but either way there is still a smile plastered on my face. I look between them and sigh, no use in putting this off. I look at Calliope and she grabs my hand. "Sit down Daniel." I try to say as reassuringly as I can. He does and I sit back down across from them this time with my wife by my side.

"Ok, so… I don't need to tell you about your biological father or donor or however you want to put it." I look at them and they have blank faces. "I don't need to tell you because you already know all about him."

Calliope's confused face that I adore so much appears on both of my children and it brings a smile to my face.

"We recently found out that your Uncle Danny decided to store some sperm in a storage facility in California, and that upon his death, my parents nominated it to be added to the database and be used as an identity release donor, as my brother had elected in his paperwork. A couple of months later your Mom picked him from a database. So it turns out that he is where you get your dimples from."

They blink in unison. I watch them as they look at each other. They look at Calliope and me.

"Huh." Daniel utters in such a way that makes me laugh, for as much as I can see myself and I guess now, my brother in my two kids, sometimes they are all Calliope. And I love my wife. I really do. I have never regretted marrying her, not even for a moment. The very minute it was announced that Washington State would adopt Same Sex marriage I planned on proposing to her. Even before it was announced I had it planned all out, I thought of everything. Except one thing. I didn't plan that Calliope would beat me too it. Our children were shipped off to their Uncle Mark and Aunt Addison's house and she made very good use of the spa bath, welcoming me with candles and champagne and nakedness, which I have to say, was SUPER to come home to. While it was a given that I would say yes, she pulled out all stops. My favorite flowers, my favorite music, my favorite meal, and of course my favorite woman, she made me feel so loved and it was a night from heaven. Then she asked.

"I know you are going to say yes to me."

I looked at her incredulously. She couldn't be thinking that she was going to get out of this so easy.

"I know you are going to say yes to me, and yet I am here, giving you all this attention and love, but you and me we don't need this stuff. We don't need champagne and flowers and candles and the music, we don't need it. But I want to give you everything I can, I want to spend my life giving you everything, because I want to see you smile everyday, and I want to see your eyes light up everyday, and I want to feel your skin under my fingers everyday. I know we've signed papers that we are domestic partners and all that, but being able to call you my wife...well very little in this world can top that. While I know I don't have to ask… I love you and you have shown me time and time again how much you love me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, loving you. Will you marry me?"

At first I was half-tempted to say no, as a joke. But when I realized I couldn't talk, I just nodded.

It didn't take us long to arrange. We didn't want it to be the event of the century, just our small group of friends and our families. We just wanted to be married so badly, that it wasn't about what we were wearing or how big the cake was, it was about being able to commit to the love of my life like everyone else.

Our honeymoon, now that – that was well worth the four year wait. Almost as much as waiting to hear Calliope say 'I do'.

Derek and Meredith, who had, for some reason married fairly abruptly before Daniel was born, decided to volunteer to look after the two kids for two weeks. I insisted that it was a bad idea, but they refused to listen. An almost 4 year old and a six month old was probably the best and worst introduction to parenting they could get. I found Meredith crying in the women's toilets two weeks later. She had found out she was pregnant and horrified at what she had got herself into.

I suppose it was probably best that I found her and not Calliope, Calliope would have told her that motherhood was absolutely fantastic and she would have a million kids if she could and all that. That's my wife, she was born to be a mother and born knowing she was going to be a mother, she just has this way, but I knew what Meredith felt like. I had stood there looking into the future and completely unsure of what lay ahead. And I leapt and was blessed with two beautiful children, who are now sitting in front of me.

"It doesn't change anything does it?"

I look at Daniel and shake my head no.

"Huh."

This time it is Calliope who laughs.

"OK, so what did you learn from today?" Calliope's motherly patronizing tone comes to play.

They look at her and roll their eyes.

"Look, you two maybe adults now, but I am still your mother, now… what did you learn from this?"

"To be honest."

"Good. Now go running or catch-up with your friends or something." Once they leave the room she looks over at me and ask if I am alright. I shrug. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make my children any different to before and it doesn't bring my brother back either.

"You did a really good job of finding a male me."

"Apparently." She wraps her arms around me tightly and nuzzles her nose into my neck, her breath hitting my neck.

"Are you ok with this?"

"It doesn't change anything. We've had 21 years not knowing and as great as it is to know that they are genetically linked to you, if they weren't it would be ok. I got that little boy I had in my dreams who says words like super and awesome, and his genetics didn't teach him how to say super and awesome, his mother did." She pauses and breathes me in. I love this woman so much. "Are you ok with this?"

"When Daniel was born, I looked into his eyes and I saw my own. When Sarah was 10 and we gave her that rubix cube and she did it in 10 minutes, I saw my brother. I'm conflicted because I'm shocked, but I also feel like I already knew. You are right though, it doesn't change anything."

"Because they are still who you raised them to be Arizona, no matter their DNA says, they have always been yours, so that is why it doesn't change anything, because you were already all in."

She kisses my jaw and I turn to look her in the eye.

We had done drama's before and got through them, but this just seemed like a blip on the radar. We were all still healthy, we were all still happy and I was in the arms of the woman I loved.


End file.
